Idol thoughts, 4/21/09

Lil Rounds - I am so over you.  Please depart. PS- Kara, she is telling us who she is as an artist— we just don’t want to hear it.  

Kris Allen - Love the vibe.  Really solid performance.  He’s in this to win this.  Plus I love that sideways smile.  I see you in the top 3, cutie!

Danny Gokey - With each passing week he reminds me more and more of Taylor Hicks (who?).  And that is not a good thing.  I mean, he can definitely sing, but… I think I’m going to pass on the kool-aid this time around.

Allison Iraheta - Girl can SING.  She doesn’t deserve to go home yet.  I liked the arrangement for the most part too.  

MAH BOO ADAM LAMBERT - First of all, he was singing to me.  Further, HIS VOICE IS CRAZY.  His instrument is flawless.  He is an AMAZING performer.  Let’s just give him the #1 spot already!  So inventive.  So hot.  Seriously,  I want to put my tongue in his mouth.  

Matt - (why the H is it so hard for me to remember this dude’s name?) Ok, I think the JT impersonation is what’s been hurting him in this competition.  That said, he’s a fly singer.  But at this point, I could part with him.  Sorbs*, Matt.

Anoop - Before we go any further— that mustache? Do not want.  I’d still hit it though.  Why are people failing to realize that he has an amazing voice?!  I liked the pseudo-Usher/Ne-Yo vibe he was rocking tonight.  I don’t think we should be done with him just yet!  **Sidebar— bad ending note, but I forgive you ‘Noop dog!

BEST: MAH BOO
WORST: Lil Rounds

So Many Problems...

I’m catching up on this Saturday’s episode of SNL and out of curiosity, I caught Ludacris and T-Pain’s performance of the new song ‘One More Drink,’ and let me tell you, there are so many problems with it.

For starters, not 30 seconds into the song, Ludacris starts rapping about drinking and driving:

It was Friday night, 

And I was feelin’ AIGHT, (Yep) 

Downtown Atlanta, big city, bright lights, 

Mixin’ Henny wit the Sprite, 

While I’m drinkin’ and drivin’

Hmm.. Drinking and driving is one of those things for me that is not okay under any set of circumstances. And for Ludacris to rap, glorify, and essentially condone this reckless and potentially fatal behavior is completely irresponsible as a citizen and celebrity. If this were, say, 1999 and this song were released, I might be a little more forgiving, but in the year 2008 when so many people lose their lives and loved ones to drunk driving, this is simply not ok.

I should have started fast forwarding when I heard the ‘drinkin’ and drivin” line, but sadly I didn’t. As I listened more, I noticed the further horrors of this song:

So, I crept up like SHAWTY WHAT’S HAPPENIN’?, 

You killin’ that dress and I love it with a passion, 

Then she turned around and her face was AIGHT, 

She had a gap tooth and a mean overbite, 

But I was like HMMMMM!!!!… 

If I take one more drink, 

I’m gon’ end up f**kin’ YOUUUUUU…

…Cause’ she started lookin’ better, every shot of Patron

Yep. Essentially, this song is about having sex with a butterface. How empowering, right? It pretty much sings the praises of pounding drinks so Luda can force himself to get busy with a girl who he believes is too ugly to be worth his time. My question, then, is why is he having sex with her anyway? Luda, if you’re so good looking and amazing, why can’t you find a girl you don’t have to give yourself alcohol poisoning for to find her attractive? Stuff like this really really makes me hate people; musicians in particular. Some songs just shouldn’t be made, and this is one of them.

Sadly, this effing song is super catchy, so whether I like it or not, it’s going to be stuck in my head. I used to really like and respect Ludacris and his hustle.. But right now, he’s in the doghouse.

Who Will Be Michelle Obama?

So this week I've been thinking a lot about the inevitable Barack Obama biopic. It probably won't be upon us until the end of his first term at the very least, but my mind immediately went to casting. As far as the President-Elect goes, we all know that Will Smith's got that one wrapped up; that's not even a question. But I can't help but wonder what actress would land the role of Michelle. Like I said, I've been thinking a lot about it, so here are my thoughts:

Who it shouldn't be: Anika Noni Rose, Gabrielle Union, Thandie Newton (and any other actress who's far too light-skinned to play Michelle; ie Sanaa Lathan)

• I'm mostly just set on it not being Thandie Newton. She's a fine actress, but casting her as Michelle would be all wrong. I was already minorly offended by Oliver Stone's casting of her as Condoleeza Rice in 'W;' those two women look nothing alike! They tried to fudge it with weird prosthetics, but it was just really ridiculous to me considering the amount of black actresses straight up need work. Were there no other black actresses up to the job? I think not. I'd hate to see another strong black (and brown-skinned) woman get whitewashed by Hollywood on film. Anika Noni Rose is also a capable actress, but she's far too short to pull of Michelle who is not only tall, but also a commanding presence. At around 5' even, Anika wouldn't cut it. I love Gabby Union, and so far she's the best match physically, but I don't think she has the acting chops to pull it off.
  

Who will get completely overlooked: Nia Long, Kimberly Elise, Nona Gaye

• All three of these ladies are great actors, but with the exception of Nia Long, none of them have the star power to pull much support for this role. Kimberly has the most going for her physically, as she would probably embody Michelle the best, but unfortunately, these ladies won't be considered much for this role, if at all.
  

Who will probably be on the short list: Kerry Washington, Angela Bassett, Halle Berry, Jada Pinkett Smith

• Some of these ladies on this list will probably get more consideration than others.. Angela Bassett is automatically out, because by the time the film gets made, she'll be way too old to play Michelle. I already know she's going to be upset about that one. I love Halle Berry, but she's not right for the part. But of course she'll be part of the conversation because of her good friend Oscar. Kerry Washington definitely has the acting skills to pull this one off, but physically she's all wrong. She's too slight for the role. Jada will only be on the list because her husband's going to be playing Barack, but we all know that's not going to happen.
  

Who it will probably come down to: Regina King

• Regina King is the perfect age and skin tone to play Michelle. She's still a little too short, but that's nothing that some sky high heels can't fix. The thing that really makes her ideal is her realness and the quality of her voice and speech. I could see her doing wonders as Michelle. She has the same fierceness and strong sense of self that Michelle possesses. I imagine she would be great at showing the depth of Michelle as wife, mother, and first lady. I can also see her doing well alongside Will Smith. 
  

Who it should be: SHARON LEAL

• Most of you may not be familiar Sharon Leal. She's originally a Broadway girl; she played Mimi in RENT. She was also in Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married, Dreamgirls, and Soul Men with Bernie Mac and Samuel L. Jackson. I think Sharon would be perfect for the role because she is stunning and beautiful, the same color as Michelle, and not so famous that her presence would be a distraction from seeing the character come through which is something I could see being a slight problem with a Regina King. Sharon is the right height (yay!), and in my head I can already see her as Michelle. She's a great actor, and she too would look amazing next to Will Smith.
  

Can't wait to see how this plays out in 8 years or so.

If Sarah Palin Were Black

Sarah Palin's Alaskan accent is seen as endearing, even though she pronounces a lot of words incorrectly by 'main street' standards. For Palin, 'feel' becomes 'fill;' 'America' becomes 'Amurrica;' 'you' becomes 'ya;' and I'm nearly positive the word is 'nuclear.'

I wouldn't be bothered by Palin's 'folksy,' down home dialect, except for the fact that if Sarah Palin were Black, Latina, or anything else besides white, there is no doubt that her 'funny accent' would work to her detriment in her Vice Presidential campaign.

Yes, Senator Barack Obama's speech has a slight south side Chicago lilt, but as African-Americans, both he and his wife are held to a higher, if unwritten, standard of speech.

Palin can get away with terms like 'Joe six pack' in a formal debate, but were Obama to say 'My brothas on the streets,' or something else to assert kinship or solidarity with African-American men, it would be front page news.

Imagine if instead of 'Hey, can I call ya Joe?' we heard 'Yo, can I call ya Joe?' Both are regional dialects in this country, but only one is considered endearing and indicative of one's American-ness in the public political forum.

Once again, America has treated Sarah Palin with an unprecedented respect. First, with her teenage daughter's pregnancy, which no doubt would have been the end of the Obama campaign were the shoe on the other foot. And now, with her deviation from 'standard English,' she's classified as 'folksy' and 'down home,' when it is easy to assume that were someone in the Obama campaign saying things like 'Nah'm sayin', nah mean?' and 'Ya feel me?' in debates and interviews, it would most certainly be a problem.

Poor Vivienne

You tell me what's wrong with this list: Maddox, Zahara, Pax, Shiloh, Knox, and....Vivienne.

For starters, congratulations to American royalty Saint Angelina Jolie and Friar Brad Pitt on the birth of their fifth and sixth children, Knox Leon Jolie Pitt (a boy), and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie Pitt (a girl). They were born in Nice, France on Saturday via c-section.

There's no doubt those twinsies are already living a life of privilege most of us will never know, but I do feel sorry for one of them.

Poor little Vivienne Marcheline. Not only is she at the tail end of a long road of kid-collecting from her incredibly famous parents, but she got the short end of the stick as far as cool names are concerned. Maddox, Pax, Zahara, and Knox all sound like super awesome, butt-kicking action heroes. Vivienne sounds like a southern belle who wouldn't dare step out into the sun for fear of getting a freckle.

Four out of the six kids have an 'X' in their name for crying out loud! Where the heck did 'Vivienne' come from?! I understand the middle name, "Marcheline;" that's after Angelina's late mother. But couldn't they have thrown an 'x' in there to make little Vivienne feel better about herself? Something like Vixvienne? That has a nice ring to it. It also sets her up nicely to follow in mommy's light bondage footsteps.

Homegirl doesn't even get a cool nickname! I've heard Angie refer to Maddox as 'Mad' and Zahara as 'Z.' Pax and Knox don't require nicknames, their names are already legendary on their own. But what does Vivienne get? Viv? Vi? Poor little thing. And to top it all off...she's white. And you know that whiteness does not fare well in the Jolie-Pitt house. She's going to be a normal-named, neglected little blob. Someone call child protective services, stat!

That said, she is one of the 3 chosen ones who hit the genetic jackpot, and she'll probably be the hottest of the Jolie-Pitt clan. So while the other 5 are out being badass, she'll be out somewhere stopping traffic.

Make me proud, Viv.

Brangelina, Brangelina, Brangelina, Brangelina....

Apparently as part of the bidding war for the Jolie-Pitt golden twins who have yet to be born, Angelina Jolie is insisting that whatever magazine chooses to pay for rights to the pictures stop referring to her and her ‘partner’ Brad Pitt as ‘Brangelina.’

Stopping one magazine from using ‘Brangelina’ isn’t going to stop Michael K, Perez, any of the blogs, or any of the other unlucky magazines from using it forever! You see what happened with J.Lo— I mean Jennifer Lopez. J.Lo will always be with her.

And seriously, Ange? Brangelina isn’t a bad name. Like at all. I would say that things like ‘Drunkst,’ ‘Sluttyienna,’ ‘Wino,’ ‘My Little Pony Parker,’ and ‘Fugs & Jugs’ rank a little higher on the horrible names list than Brangelina. Come on, after Bennifer, Brangelina is like the OG blended name! You should be proud!

And I will have a serious problem if any magazine (People, I’m talking to you) actually shells out $16 million for a picture of two wrinkly infants. Golden twins or no, that is excessive.

Can’t wait to see how this all goes down.

Losing My Cell Phone/Losing My Mind

Everyone knows that my cell phone and I are as attached as these two ladies. Basically, my beloved cell phone is an extension of me. That said, on Saturday, May 31st, something really bad happened to me.

But this story doesn't start with Saturday. It started months ago when my mom and I were enjoying dinner at Burgers & Cupcakes in NYC. As we sat there talking, a group of young, happy people walked jovially out of the restaurant. One girl was just so happy to be alive, without a care in the world. She was so happy, in fact, that she dropped her jacket without noticing and continued to trot out of B&C. I got up, picked up the jacket, and called after the trotting ball of happiness. I had to shout "Miss!" about 7 times before she noticed I was calling her name. She was just that caught up in her happiness.. That girl was so happy that she lost something.

After that happened, I realized that that very experience was the exact reason why I feel anxious when everything is going right in my life. I'm always afraid that I will get too happy and like that girl, I will drop my proverbial jacket and something bad will happen. Last week, however, I finally decided that I was going to stop living in fear of 'dropping my jacket' and enjoy life. I was going to allow myself to be happy, and trust that nothing bad would happen.

Bad move. Back to my phone.

Saturday morning, at 6:30am, I grabbed my carefully and thoughtfully packed carry-on, my purse, and my cell phone, and crept out of my apartment so as not to wake my roommate. It only took me about a minute to hail a yellow cab, bit I should have known that the day was going to be bad the moment I banged the side of my head right on the door of the cab on my way in... Instead, I wiped the tears eyes and returned to my jovial mood.

During the cab ride to LaGuardia, I took a moment to further organize my purse before braving airport security, and even dabbed a little make-up on my face so I wouldn't feel like a total zombie. We reached LGA and I paid the cab driver, grabbed my bags, and walked into the airport. After I completed my self check-in, I dug into my purse to feel around for my cell phone. I reached into the pocket where I usually keep my baby, and it wasn't there. I then emptied the contents of my (extremely large) purse onto the airport floor, and I still didn't find my cell phone. I realize then that I must have left my darling cellie in the cab that has long since driven off. The horror!!!!!

At this point, I'm not panicking. I walk up to an airport employee, and he suggests that I go to the airport's taxi stand outside, and that they will help me track down my phone. I book it down to the taxi stand, and when I tell the guy working at the stand what's going on, he starts asking me all of these questions like when and where I was picked up, when and where I was dropped off, what kind of phone it is, and what the cab driver looked like. Homeboy is taking notes the entire time, and when he's done he tells me to call the Taxi company at '311' and tell them everything he's told me. Ummm...WTF!!??!?! Why did I just spend all that time telling you the information?!?!?! Homeboy didn't even have a radio or a phone to relay all of this information I'd given him. I have no idea why he was asking me all of that if he wasn't going to do anything with the information!!!!!!!!

After this I'm sad, angry, coughing up sputum into a napkin (from the bronchitis!), and pretty sure my brain is swelling after the hard hit in the cab. There's nothing I can do except for go through security and try to call the number he gave me once I'm sure I'll make my flight.

But then another problem occurs to me. I don't have a ride from the airport once I reach Chicago. I'd spoken to both my cousins Justin and Austin the day before over text, asking them for a ride, and letting him know my flight # and when it got in, but I hadn't had a chance to touch base with him that morning to double check who, if anyone, would be able to pick me up, let them know where I'd be, and coordinate with them where I should wait. Without a phone and without anyone's phone number I was pretty much up a creek, so I started to freak out a bit.

I came up with a plan. I would find a pay phone (gross), call my dad, and tell him to pass a message along to Justin. My dad always gets up super early on Sunday mornings to get ready for church and walk the dog, so I just knew he would pick up. I put my dollar (YES, pay phones cost $1 apparently) into the phone, dialed my dad's number, and when I heard his voice mail kick in, I just started to cry. I left a barely intelligible, very pathetic sounding message letting him know the situation and to tell my cousin Justin (who I was pretty sure was picking me up) all of my flight information.

The concussion helped me sleep on the flight, and I didn't really start to get really freaked out until I landed in Chicago. Everyone knows how hectic it is to try to find a ride at a major airport when you have a cell phone. So now imagine that you're without a phone with no idea who is picking you up, what kind of vehicle they're in, or if they're even coming! Traumatic!!!!

Since I called my dad from a pay phone and was without a phone myself, I had no idea whether he'd contacted my cousin or if he'd even gotten my message. When I walked to the baggage claim area for my flight and saw no one I recognized, I started to panic again. I decided that I'd have to get back to work on the pay phone. Before I could do that, I had to stop at one of the airport's newsstands to load up on change. This was a truly emotionally devastating experience for me.

After getting the change (which I had to pay 2 dollars for, fyi!), I got on the pay phone again, calling my dad, my sister Rachel, my mom, and my grandma. Not a one of those negroes answered their phones!!!

With each passing dollar and voice mail message, I started to get more and more defeated and irate. I started saying fatalistic things like "I'm running out of change," "I don't know if anyone's going to get this message," "This is my last phone call," and "I'm really freaking out." In hindsight, I was probably being just a tad bit dramatic. I mean, people were staring at me. Once I did get someone on the phone (my sister Rachel), I started screaming at the top of my mucus-filled lungs because I found out that after getting my first message, my dad had only text messaged my cousin!!! I screamed: "HE SENT A TEXT MESSAGE?!!!? I'M STRANDED IN THE AIRPORT AND ALL HE SENT WAS A TEXT MESSAGE!??!? I AM GOING TO MURDER HIM!!!" This was definitely not a hit with my fellow fliers, let me tell you.

After countless less-than-productive phone conversations, and one semi-productive one (that the operator cut short...that skank), I found out that my cousin was, in fact, on his way. He was running late, but he was coming for me. My stint on Chicago O'Hare Survivor Island would come to a close shortly. On my last call before I ran out of change, I told my sister to let him know exactly where I would be outside. Shortly thereafter, my cousins Justin and Austin pulled up and my legs nearly gave out, I was so excited.

Unfortunately, me being retrieved from the airport is the only happy ending this story has. After hundreds of calls put in to my phone (which I kept on for about a day and a half hoping the person who had it would try to call someone in my phone book and return it), I gave up hope and had my service temporarily disconnected. Monday, I walked into an AT&T store and purchased a brand new Blackjack II. Thankfully, I had an upgrade, so the phone didn't cost nearly as much as it could have, but it was definitely hard accepting that all of my contacts, pictures, files, and most of all my baby that has been through SO MUCH without crapping out on me were gone.

So please, for the love of all that is good and holy, send me your number. Because every time I look into the eyes of my new and empty (although beautiful and infinitely awesome) blackjack II, I die a little bit inside.