If I Were Britney's Assistant

After only three weeks, former pop star Britney Spears has pulled the plug on yet another assistant. I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, the clashes between Brit and her staff have a lot more to do with Brit and her dysfunctional lifestyle than the people she hires to keep it under control. After all, she even handed her cousin/BFF Alli Sims the pink slip a few weeks ago.

Since she's now on the market for a new minion, I started thinking about what my life would be like if I were Brit's assistant...

If I were Britney Spears' assistant, my life would be like one big manic-depressive rollercoaster! From taking care of JJ and SPF to warding off calls from K-Fed's attourneys, life would be a whirlwind of trailer trash adventure.

I imagine we'd braid each other's hair (extensions), get bikini waxes, and prance around naked in women's apparel fitting rooms together. We'd chew gum, gossip about boys, and walk around barefoot all day long. While Brit peed with the door open, I'd beg any media outlet to report something positive about my new boss. But alas, the effort would indeed prove to be futile.

According to a source, Britney fired her latest assistant Shannon Funk because “Britney thought she was talking badly about her. She was very rude and Britney felt she was letting business emails fall by the wayside.” I would never talk badly about Britney unless I was certain a hefty paycheck would land in mybank account. I wouldn't be rude unless she was drunk or medicated enough to ensure she wouldn't remember my outburst, and I would always, always handle the one business e-mail she gets per week.

The best part about being Britney Spears' personal assistant would be all of the free pictures I'd get taken of myself. I'd never have to carry a camera! I'd get pictures of myself getting some Starbucks, pumping gas, holding back a major pop star's hair while she pukes, and more!

This is all starting to sound super appealing-- I'm going to be putting in a call to Brit's people tonight. Look for me on Perez!

Lindsay Lohan Mania

After the events of last night, no self-respecting blogger could avoid the requisite "Lindsay Lohan is out of control" post. So I've decided to split this one into a few parts. It's best for all parties involved. Trust me.

1. The scoop- The degree to which Lindsay Dee Lohan is out of control is unspeakable. Before all of the madness that went down early Tuesday morning, that statement was true. But now... She's seriously lost it! While the details are still slowly coming together, the consensus is that La Lohan was involved in some sort of drug-fueled, drunken car chase involving a former assistant and the assistant's mother. The cops were called, Linds failed a field sobriety test, was arrested, booked, and subsequently charged with bringing an illegal substance (cocaine) into a jail facility.

What's more is that all of this comes just under 3 weeks after Lindsay's 21st birthday and her release from the Promises rehab facility.

2. The Mugshot- Take a look at the photo. Really look at it. Is this not a cry for help? Also, a cry for eye drops, but mostly a cry for serious help. This picture captures Linds' extreme intoxication, but also a moment where she realizes that this isn't a movie, it's not some well-put-together photo shoot--she's totally stripped of her starlet status that protects her from reality. She's being booked for yet another DUI.

3. The Preachy Moral Appraisal-
3a. Why does someone not just go ahead and close Promises??? It clearly has not worked for any of its clients (Britney, anyone?)!! The state should either shut it down or turn it into a nightclub.

3b. Lindsay better have a really, really, really good explanation for why just two weeks out of rehab she thought it would be acceptable to drive drunk, engage in a car chase, do drugs, and drive on a suspended license. Sometimes I think I should start 'turning my life around;' from the way Linds and Paris make it look, it seems like a drunken good time.

3c. Michael and Dina Lohan- WHERE THE EFF ARE YOU!? Quit talking to ET, Extra, and TMZ, and talk to your obviously troubled daughter! And while you're parenting, never let little Ali Lohan record an album again.

Someone send this chick back to rehab. Get well soon, Linds.

Victoria Beckham is 'Major'

First of all, a big "EFF YOU" to the people who dared downgrade Victoria Beckham's reality series into the one hour special (read: spectacular) because they thought she was 'too boring.' Too boring? I think they were just completely threatened by how entertaining, fabulous, and straight up lovable she is!

Contrary to what the media has dictated, Posh is not sour, unsmiling, and elitist. She's actually sweet, nurturing, down-to-earth, self-deprecating and pretty hilarious. Plus she knows Becks is and always will be the hotter half of that couple.

As a result of "Victoria Beckham: Coming to America" I am on team Posh & Becks for keeps now. I mean, I was always on team Becks, let's be real, but Posh completely won me over. I really hope NBC does something further with the Beckham family. As Victoria would say, they're 'major.'

If you missed the show, definitely make it your business to find out what all of the fuss is about! To see a clip from the show, click here.

Baby Bump Madness

All of the blogs and gossip publications just love speculate about who is and who isn't sporting a 'baby bump' in Hollywood. So I've decided to get in on the fun. There are quite a few ladies in H'Wood who I just KNOW are going to be announcing pregnancies real soon.

Emma Watson aka Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter movies. Now Emma's only 17 and we have no real proof that she's even 'become a woman' yet, but Emma can't hide that obvious baby bump under that blue button down. I say she's about 8 weeks along.


Ellen Degeneres- Ellen can't fool me with the whole lesbian act. It's all a complete ruse in order to conceal her very obvious baby bump. Ellen's keeping mum on the whole thing, but sources close to Ellen and gal pal Portia de Rossi have let it slip that the estrogen-heavy couple is expecting twins in the fall!


Suri Cruise- If anyone is pregnant, it's definitely Suri. Do you see that obviously oversized and breezy dress she's sporting? And word on the street is that she's laid off the ciggies and alcohol to keep her little one healthy. Sources say Suri's hoping for a girl and just dropped $1500 on pink baby thongs at Bel Bambini in West Hollywood.


Playdate, anyone?

Posh and Becks = Pure Sex

The hotness that is Posh and Becks are gracing the cover and pages of the latest issue of W magazine. There's really no story here (is there ever?), but they're just plain hot. I already claim dibs on one of their sons-- once that the oldest turns 18, if he's hot, he's mine! So back off.

Anyway, David and VB are gearing up to make the big move to LA-la land, and I can hardly wait. Posh paparazzi pictures and videos are the best. She's kind of a robot and never smiles. Plus she's less than the clinically proven lowest weight to maintain human life. So in a nutshell, she's my idol.

I can't stop staring at David's smoking bod and VB's...uh...skeleton.

Enjoy the photos!

Harry Potter? Try Harry [Insert Gay Euphemism Here]

Is it just me or does this recent picture of Daniel Radcliffe (also known as Harry Potter) from Details Magazine allude to the fact that this young gent follows in the footsteps of Neil Patrick Harris. If that's not clear enough, I'm implying that Danny and Mark Indelicato have a lot in common.

Get the point?

A leather vest?! That 'come hither' stare?! Harry Potter is very, very gay. And me likey. In the article he denounces dating actresses, but it seems to me he's denouncing women entirely.

Who else wants Harry and Ron to get it on the last HP movie?? I'm thinking "The Deathly Hallows" is when we're finally going to see some wizard on wizard action. Who's with me?!

No one? Whatevs. It's okay, Harry! Go to the light! Go to the light!

To hear more from 'Arry Potter in the newest issue of Details, click here.

Stop the Cheerleader, Save Our Ears

"Heroes" hottie Hayden (try saying that three times fast) Panettiere has revealed to the world that like the rest of her peers, (LiLo, Paris, Hilary) she wants to up the ante on her fame and release a pop album. This would be great, you know, if she could actually sing. But she can't. Don't take my word for it, see for yourselves. And if that's still not enough to show you that Hayden shouldn't quit her (very lucrative) day job, check her out singing the national anthem here.

It's not that she's completely awful. It's just that she's not good. And I just don't get why no one has told her that a pop career is just not in the cards for her. She should really have a sit down with Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie-Lynn Sigler. They'll tell her it just don't work out for everyone.

For some reason, these Hollywood girls are just never satisfied. Heck, even raspy-voiced ScarJo is recording an album of Tom Waits covers. Who the eff wants to hear that? No one! But as long as she shows a little cleave on the album cover, not too many people are going to complain. And that's just sad. So Scarlett, Hayden, Paris, and company, leave the singing to the pros. You've already proven that you're the prettiest and most scandalous ladies in all the land. Let's just leave it at that.