Spencer Pratt...What An Angel

Here you'll find within the best episode of "The Hills" ever, the best clip of the show...ever. In this clip, good old Douchey Mc Doucherson aka Spencer Pratt tries to win over Heidi "Push Me Over" Montag's family at dinner. Obviously, Spence fails on a number of levels; all of which are hilarious. First, his completely contrived "what an angel" as his is-she-or-isn't-she fiance leaves the table is reminiscent of one of those precocious demon children found in "The Exorcist" and "Children of the Corn" movies. Then, if that's not enough, while Heidi's in the ladies', he goes on to do an even more demonic (yet accurate) impersonation of Heidi's former BFF, Lauren 'LC' Conrad. Confused yet? Good.

Also in the clip, you'll hear the second best quote of the night, from Lauren herself: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want to call that your boyfriend!" Spoken like a true beach-loving fashionista.

I used to keep a special jar of judgment for anyone who watched "The Hills," but now, I see why the seemingly mundane and Sweet Sixteen-ish lives of these California twenty-somethings has captured the hearts of people everywhere. By watching pretty and boring people on TV, your life is instantly given more meaning. Seeing pretty Audrina cry over the fact that her loser boyfriend has left her motorcycle helmet on the couch like he attempted to gray rape her instantly makes me feel like my mini personal and professional breakdowns are completely justified.

The moral of the story: watching "The Hills" will make you laugh and subsequently appreciate your once miserable existence. Get on board.

'High School Musical 2' Is the Music In Me

Okay, I'm defs a week late on reporting this but, in case you didn't know, High School Musical 2 was kind of a hit. And by kind of, I mean it broke all kinds of ratings and viewership records for TV, most notably the record for 'most make-up worn on teenage guys in a single TV broadcast.'

I'm not Zac Efron's biggest fan (in fact, I hate him), but after a quickie re-watch of HSM2, (I recorded it. Stop judging me.) I realized that homeboy is kind of cute. Don't get me wrong-- his tan: needs to go. His sexuality-- tres questionable. His singing-- eh. But he's got the looks and the over-acting down pat! And he's just so endearing when he completely over-emotes for the camera! Also, where does he get his tan!? I sense a cameo on 'Sunset Tan' coming on, folks..

Also, the songs in that movie are so dang catchy, it's like they rolled little nuggets of crack into the airwaves and got this here grown woman hooked. I hate to make Gabriela and Troy's "The Music In Me" and "Bet On It" rise up the charts any further, but someone, and I'm not saying who, may have just downloaded the entire album off of itunes. Darn you, HSM2 and your compelling yet devoid of any real meaning pop tunes!

HSM2 is great that it's so squeaky clean, there's no way it's going to corrupt or do anything to a child but make them want to sing and dance. In fact, it's so ubiquitous that last week on my way home from work, I was walking up to my apartment in Harlem, and these two 'wannabe thug' looking little boys were kicking and throwing a ball around and I overheard one of them say "Yo man, High School Musical 2 wasn't as good as the first one!" First of all, he's wrong, and second of all, it literally is EVERYWHERE.

Anyway... I'm done indoctrinating you about HSM2...for now. I gotta run. I gotta go save up some money so I can take that little hottie on a proper date. Okay, I don't know where that came from. Oh yes, I do. HSM2.

Someone stop me.

Hollyweird Really IS Just Like High School

A mean and totally hilarious flyer was posted on the gate of Paris Hilton's house. It features Lindsay Lohan's mugshot from her most recent arrest and says:

“LOST DOG — HAVE YOU SEEN HER?

Age: 3 in dog years
Weight: Anorexic
Eyed: Dilated
Coat: Spotted/Freckled
Breed: Freckle-Bellied Cokewhore Terrier

My dog was last seen on the morning of July 24, 2007 chasing cars in Santa Monica. She will answer to the call of: Lilo, L Squared, Lo Hoe and Dime Bags, 2 for 10 dollars. She was also last seen carrying her favorite boys: a little white bag we call her “doggy bag” ad her favorite black ankle bracelet. Please come home!

MISSING

If you have any information, please call — or go to —

All the change in my couch will be offered for the information leading to the safe return of my dog.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! All this time we thought that Paris' major life change in prison was spirituality or charity or something boring like that. Turns out she just got a huge sense of humor. Granted, this is totally something a disgruntled 9th grader would do to her ex-best friend, but Paris is definitely taking a step in the right direction. As soon as she and Nicole have their next fall out, we'll be seeing a mock Planned Parenthood flyer asking if we've seen her lost fetus with that emaciated picture of Nicole on the beach.

Good times!

Shiloh's Going to End Up On Maury

Baby/messiah Shiloh Jolie-Pitt used to be the cutest baby on the planet, but in recent photos it's become clear that she's let herself go. Shi Shi has really packed on the pounds and sooner or later she's going to end up as a fat baby guest on the Maury Povich Show.

Seriously, homegirl's head (and everything else) is humongoid. She and Suri Cruise are pretty much the same age (in human years) and already Shiloh appears to be in a completely different weight class. Angie needs to stop playing and call Jenny STAT.

And what's worse is that Angie and Brad seem to think that dressing their only biological child in rags from Goodwill is the way to go. Suri "Beautiful" Cruise wouldn't be caught dead in all denim! Am I right?! Put Shiloh in the sweeping, gauzy, white clothing and halo she deserves!! Do I need to intervene here?