Poor, poor David Archuleta. That boy has a voice of pure gold, but apparently it wasn't enough to take down David Cook in tonight's 'American Idol' season finale. I feel bad for him, and not only because he didn't win; I mostly feel bad for Archuleta because, well, he's dead now.
I hate to say it, but the little 17-year-old singing sensation is probably being bludgeoned to death by his father as we speak. You see, little David may sing like an angel, but his dad is the ultimate stage dad. David's father, Jeff Archuleta, was recently banned from all rehearsals, recording sessions, and anything having to do with the behind the scenes portion of Idol because of his horrible and often intimidating behavior.
Apparently, this isn't the first time that Jeff's been a douche bag when it comes to David's singing career. This man allegedly made a habit of harassing children when David was a contestant on Star Search back in 2003. Children!! He also just cost Idol tons of cash when he coerced his David-bot into singing a few bars of Sean Kingston's 'Beautiful Girls' when he sang 'Stand By Me' on the show. Poor little David was obviously too scared to stand up to daddy, so he did it, and AI had to pay up!
David's dad wants his son to win, and he wants him to win bad. He's on a mission to become the next Matthew Knowles/Papa Joe/Jamie Spears and get on the payroll of his money-making child so he can retire at 40. I see it in his eyes.
Did anyone ever ask how David got that 'vocal paralysis' when he was younger in the first place? I think dear old Dad socked him one in the throat after a particularly bad rehearsal session. Poor David. Someone needs to call child protective services or the Jolie-Pitts ASAP and get him out of there. I bet if you cut together all of his Idol performances from the entire season and played them backwards, you'd hear something like "HELP ME! SERIOUSLY, HELP! MY DAD'S GONNA MURDER ME IF I DON'T WIN!" Seriously, America, if your lack of votes sent this musical genius and teen cutie to an early grave I will never forgive you!!! Jeff Archuleta promised David to me on his 18th birthday, and if he doesn't live to see that day, well, I'll be pissed.
RIP Archuleta. Rest in peace.
*Yes, I fully realize that I may have mistakenly used the word 'man' in an inappropriate context. Deal with it.
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