Did the 'Sex and the City' Movie Deliver?

Last night, I caught a midnight showing of the new Sex and the City movie. Obviously, **SPOILER ALERT** for anyone who hasn't seen the movie yet and doesn't want anything revealed. Don't say I didn't warn you.

So overall, the movie was pretty enjoyable, but it definitely had its of flaws. It definitely delivered a lot of what hard core SATC fans were expecting, but not much else. For the most part it was a totally watered down version of the Sex and the City show I fell in love with. For starters, there was just too much monogamy going on! All of the girls are in these for the most part sexless relationships, and that just is not like them! Every single one of them, including the usually-sex crazed Samantha, were nesting and playing house. That, combined with the very conspicuously larger hips and waists of the fantastic four, proved that maybe they did wait too long to come out with the movie. I came for the girls, and all I got was four old married chicks. I just don’t get it. How can you put out a movie called ‘Sex and the City’ without any sex?! They tried to supplement the sexlessness of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha’s relationships by sporadically going back to Samantha’s randy neighbor, but it just was not the same.

While the movie was light on the sex, it was definitely heavy on the camp. Now I like camp. I really do. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is my favorite show, for goodness sake. But the SATC movie was a little too camptastic for me. Take the whole Charlotte going 'Poughkeepsie in her pants,' for instance. Charlotte York Goldenblatt would never, ever poo her pants! Ever! That whole pudding/poo plot point I could definitely have done without. Actually, the whole Mexico thing was just too ridiculous for me too. The show and film are named SEX AND THE CITY!!! So why leave the city!? Especially when all along the actors and creators have often called New York City the fifth character on the show?

And don't. even. get. me. started. on Carrie's hair!!! I don't understand why after all of the blatant nostalgia in the film (Carrie's wardrobe retrospective fashion show for the girls--brills!), they made the less-than-wise decision to give lovely, bubbly, blonde Carrie mousy brown hair for the majority of the movie! NO! I understand why a jilted Carrie would want to change her hair, but a) that wig was NOT doing it for me and b) it just reminded me too much of Sarah Jessica Parker 'the movie star,' and not Carrie Bradshaw. There were a few moments when I could have sworn I was watching 'The Family Stone.' Needless to say, that is not good.

Also, what happened to the FASHION!? Why did most of the clothes look like 1980s couture? Granted, Carrie’s rocked those slammin’ Christian Dior pumps and Charlotte’s bridesmaid’s dress was gorgeous, but nearly everything Miranda and Samantha wore were straight out of shoulder pad hell. Pat Field, you dropped the ball on this one!

For the most part, I didn't have too many issues with the storyline. Oh wait... I did. Let's make this short and sweet.

• Jennifer Hudson and her whole St. Louis/Saint Louise storyline sucked.



• Why did Samantha break up with Smith!? STUPID! Smith was the one man that was meaningful enough for Samantha to be faithful. Did the writer(s) forget that Smith was the one man who actually understood and loved Samantha for who she is? That Smith would never allow Samantha to lose herself in him or their relationship. And Smith would never 'work late' on Valentine's Day. Remember when he flew home all the way from a shoot in Canada just for her? So out of character for both of them.



• What the EFF happened to Carrie?! Whose bright idea was it to have a broken, damaged, Meredith Grey version of Carrie for the majority of the movie!? That is not the Carrie we know and love!! Carrie is strong. She would never agree to marry a man who humiliated her and destroyed her trust like John "Mr. Big" Preston aka Major Douche Bag did. Am I the only one who feels this way???? I wish I would marry a dude who left me at the altar! Big’s lucky that all Carrie did was give him a floral beat down.

All of that said, there were definitely some fun and awesome moments in the movie too:

• Anything having to do with Cynthia Nixon. That woman is amazing. She’s a lovely actress, and I really like how Miranda didn’t let Steve off the hook. Also her ‘let’s just get it over with!’ was SO Miranda and so funny.



• Pretty much all of the scenes with just the four ladies. Carrie’ ‘mexicoma’ joke was a glimpse of the show I love, and Samantha showing up with not one, but two bottles of champagne was really cute.



• Carrie stepping into her (and everyone else’s) dream New York apartment. Her cute “hello, I live here” as she walked through the apartment.

I think that at the end of it all, the movie’s going to make a ton of money, and all of the hard-core, Cosmo-swilling, ‘I came to New York for labels and love,’ Carrie Bradshaw wannabes in New York and everywhere else will enjoy it. My sister Mariah said it best: “I’m a sucker for love and closure,” and at the end of the day, so am I. That’s why I think the Sex and the City movie is probably the best it could have possibly been, and I’m okay with that.

I Guess E! Gives Anyone a Show These Days

Tonight I caught the series premieres of Living Lohan and Denise Richards: It's Complicated. It's actually not all that complicated. Neither Denise Richards nor Dina Lohan live on the planet earth anymore. Instead, both ladies reside on Mars or wherever else it's deemed acceptable to lead the lives they do.

Let's start with Denise. Unfortunately, Denise's looks are about the prettiest things about her. She's pretty shallow, doesn't seem to be a very attentive mom (she's got 10 dogs, 3 cats, and 3 pigs to care about!), and her only concern is bashing her ex(es) on national television. She's making it oh-so-easy to side with Charlie Sheen as far as the 'he said, she said' goes. Denise keeps saying that she's "not just the Bond girl" or "not just the girl from Wild Things." If you're not that girl, Denise, then why do you keep bringing it up???? The only redeeming moment of the entire vapid, senseless, un-entertaining episode was the tender moment Denise shared with her father who recently moved in after the death of her mother. It's obvious that Denise cares a lot about her family, but boy does homegirl curse like a sailor!

Now onto the Lohans! I knew I didn't want to go on a 'Lohan Holiday!' Those people are CRAZY! Talk about bad parenting! Dina Lohan left her 14-year-old daughter and 11-year-old son at home alone with a 25-year-old stranger who she met ONLINE! Dina, what are you thinking?! Oh wait, she's not. She spends every waking moment either online reading PerezHilton or at her kitchen table reading tabloids. She even calls home when she's out running errands and has her assistant scour the internet for stories about her. Here's a tip: why don't you try not reading it at all! You know what they say; 'garbage in, garbage out!'

And don't worry, I'll be taking my own advice and trying not to watch these trainwreck reality shows for the rest of the season.

I think the biggest culprits in all of this are Ryan Seacrest and the E! channel. They're the ones that saw fit for this drivel to infiltrate my life. They know that I'll watch anything, and this is just punishment for my television promiscuity! What I don't understand is how they've tried to make the entire Living Lohan show about Lindsay without ever having anything more than a mantel photo of her on the show. Can you say grabbing at straws!? Ugh. I am disgusted with them, and I'm disgusted with myself for watching tonight, knowing that I'm going to watch next week, and writing about it right now.

Hold me.

David Archuleta is a Dead Man*

Poor, poor David Archuleta. That boy has a voice of pure gold, but apparently it wasn't enough to take down David Cook in tonight's 'American Idol' season finale. I feel bad for him, and not only because he didn't win; I mostly feel bad for Archuleta because, well, he's dead now.

I hate to say it, but the little 17-year-old singing sensation is probably being bludgeoned to death by his father as we speak. You see, little David may sing like an angel, but his dad is the ultimate stage dad. David's father, Jeff Archuleta, was recently banned from all rehearsals, recording sessions, and anything having to do with the behind the scenes portion of Idol because of his horrible and often intimidating behavior.

Apparently, this isn't the first time that Jeff's been a douche bag when it comes to David's singing career. This man allegedly made a habit of harassing children when David was a contestant on Star Search back in 2003. Children!! He also just cost Idol tons of cash when he coerced his David-bot into singing a few bars of Sean Kingston's 'Beautiful Girls' when he sang 'Stand By Me' on the show. Poor little David was obviously too scared to stand up to daddy, so he did it, and AI had to pay up!

David's dad wants his son to win, and he wants him to win bad. He's on a mission to become the next Matthew Knowles/Papa Joe/Jamie Spears and get on the payroll of his money-making child so he can retire at 40. I see it in his eyes.

Did anyone ever ask how David got that 'vocal paralysis' when he was younger in the first place? I think dear old Dad socked him one in the throat after a particularly bad rehearsal session. Poor David. Someone needs to call child protective services or the Jolie-Pitts ASAP and get him out of there. I bet if you cut together all of his Idol performances from the entire season and played them backwards, you'd hear something like "HELP ME! SERIOUSLY, HELP! MY DAD'S GONNA MURDER ME IF I DON'T WIN!" Seriously, America, if your lack of votes sent this musical genius and teen cutie to an early grave I will never forgive you!!! Jeff Archuleta promised David to me on his 18th birthday, and if he doesn't live to see that day, well, I'll be pissed.

RIP Archuleta. Rest in peace.

*Yes, I fully realize that I may have mistakenly used the word 'man' in an inappropriate context. Deal with it.

Brangelina's Having Twins. Stop it.

Why is it that every celebrity mom has twins!? Jennifer Lopez, Julia Roberts, Marcia Cross, and now Angelina Jolie?! I find it really hard to believe that twins just happen to run in all of their families. Me think there is a bit of an in vitro epidemic going on in Hollywood. Sorry ladies, but in vitro shouldn't be the first alternative just cause you're too skinny to get pregnant on your own. But back to Angie.

If you're keeping score at home, these wonder twins bring the Brangelina total to a whopping 6 kids, all under the age of eight. Are Brad and Angelina insane? They are two kids away from their own TLC show about how they drive a 15-passenger van and buy all of their groceries at Sam's.

Honestly, I get that they're trying to 'help people' and all, but when you're taking a kid from an orphanage and putting them in another, it starts to get a little ridiculous. I wonder what their house looks like. I bet the kids have just one huge room with just rows and rows of beds waiting for the next kids they buy/kidnap/make in a test tube. Seriously, Angelina is starting to remind me of Miss Clavel from 'Madeline.' I bet she makes all of the kiddies wear matching dresses and hats... Even the boys. She's kinky like that. Actually, scratch that. Angelina strikes me more as a Miss Hannigan from 'Annie.' She's probably got Pax and Maddox bringing her drinks with umbrellas in them while Shiloh and Zahara use their baby fingers to rub her toes the way she likes it.

Brangelina's enjoying the whole kid collecting thing now, but they're going to be singing a different tune when they've got 15 little Lohans and Brody Jenners running a meth lab out of their garage and getting knocked up at 16. Seriously, little Hollywood kids never turn out well, and now Brangelina's creating them by the dozen. So Brad, Angie; you can stop now. We get it. You guys like kids. That's cute. Really freaking cute. But have or buy another kid and I will personally cut you myself. That said, little thing one and thing two are probs going to be totes gorge.

I'm jealous.

When did Monday become the hottest night on television!?!?

Oh what a night! I can’t remember a Monday night of TV this entertaining in forever! First off, thank the lord for DVR, for without which I would have missed a lot of it. So let’s do a quick recap. Holy son of a married couple, there were a lot of shows on tonight! Tonight I caught How I Met Your Mother, Samantha Who?, Gossip Girl, Medium, and House. All of which were pretty darn amazing! Let’s start at the bottom and work our way up, shall we?And in case you’re an idiot *SPOILER ALERT!* there will probably be spoilers below. Read at your own risk.

How I Met Your Mother
This is probably the first (and last) time this show will be on the bottom of any list as far as I’m concerned. It’s only here by virtue of the fact that House gave me chills and set a pretty high bar. That, and the fact that Britney Spears was a giant suckhole of suck in the episode, thus preventing it from reaching its full awesomeness potential.

best moment: I feel like every minute of HIMYM is the best moment, but I particularly loved anything having to do with Ted’s red cowboy boots and i’m “pulling. them. off.”

Gossip Girl
GG definitely had big shoes to fill with last week’s ‘OMFG moment’-filled episode. I have to say, they definitely resolved the whole ‘Serena killed someone’ storyline WAY too fast for my liking. It was really great to see Chuck, Nate, and Blair rally around S in her time of need. It was also pretty awesome to see Lily and Rufus finally lock lips again, and thrillingly awesome to see just how scary manipulative Georgina is willing to get in order to ruin Serena’s life. I do think the whole “I killed someone” was totes dramatic on S’s part. She didn’t kill that guy!! If anything, she tried to save his life! Plus he semi-tried to rape her, so I think she gets a pass. Overall, a good episode, but not nearly as good as the anticipation from the past week.

best moment: Chuck’s perfectly delivered line “I’m Chuck Bass.” Check it out here!

Samantha Who?
There’s something about Samantha Who that just really appeals to my sense of humor. It’s got an absurdist quality to it, but at its core it’s rooted in reality. At least as real as possible when you’re dealing with an amnesia storyline! The one-liners on that show are brilliant, and the cast is really great; Jean Smart, Christina Applegate, and Jennifer Esposito really shine. I hadn’t seen the episode before this one, but I was really happy to see Sam and Todd getting real about their relationship, but not throwing it away either. Plus, all of the scenes with Chloe were pretty hilarious.

best moment: When Chloe opened the closet and Todd dove out of her sight. I cackled!

Medium
I’ve only recently gotten into Medium, but this show delivers the best of both worlds in my opinion. I’m a Sci-Fi lite girl, so the whole psychic thing is really cool. It’s sort of like Buffy meets Law & Order, but light on the Buffy. Patricia Arquette is really great, and they do a great job creeping the crap out of me! So glad I finally started watching this show regularly, and can’t wait to see what they come up with next.

best moment: “Don’t they know they have kids?!” The family dynamic on that show is so realistic, and I loved the little kids only conversation we got to see at the end of the episode.

HOUSE
Talk about OMFG!! Part of the reason I am writing this right now is because I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep after tonight’s episode of House. It goes without saying that Hugh Laurie is deeply talented. That man was made to play this role and it’s a joy to watch. Tonight, we caught up with House as he was looking pretty out of it in a strip club. Turns out he’d been in a terrible bus accident and had retrograde amnesia. The catch is that he remembered seeing a symptom and realizing that someone was going to die before he lost his memory, but now he can’t remember who, what, why, when, or how. Most of the episode is spent in the depths of House’s mind as he tries to diagnose the driver of the bus, who he (and everyone else) thinks is the mystery patient. At the end of the episode after a series of creepy/sexy hallucinations (and one scary, PTSD-inducing bus crash scene), a near-death House realizes that it’s Amber (also known as “CTB” or cutthroat bitch) that’s going to die; and it’s not a result of the accident. I don’t know about you, but after seeing the preview for next week’s episode, I am on pins and needles!

best moment: Cuddy’s diagnostic pole dance in the schoolgirl uniform. Lisa Edelstein definitely hit the gym before that one! Priceless that House chose diagnosing a patient’s symptoms over a topless sex fantasy. That is definitely dedication.

See, I told you TV tonight was crazy! Can’t wait for next Monday night!!

"I'm Chuck Bass."

As if I needed more proof that I am going to love tonight's episode of 'Gossip Girl' more than I love life itself! This clip just came along and proved me very, very right. Here's a teaser scene from tonight's episode. It brings the drama and most importantly, it brings the Chuck Bass humor and smarm that I love so very much. Ed Westwick is just perfect in this role; he's the most loveable jerfaced douche bag this side of Spencer Pratt. Check out the clip! Can't wait to discuss tonight's episode!