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2009-10-22T15:59:00.001-04:00

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Idol thoughts, 4/21/09

2009-04-21T22:04:00.000-04:00

Lil Rounds - I am so over you. Please depart. PS- Kara, she is telling us who she is as an artist— we just don’t want to hear it.

Kris Allen - Love the vibe. Really solid performance. He’s in this to win this. Plus I love that sideways smile. I see you in the top 3, cutie!

Danny Gokey - With each passing week he reminds me more and more of Taylor Hicks (who?). And that is not a good thing. I mean, he can definitely sing, but… I think I’m going to pass on the kool-aid this time around.

Allison Iraheta - Girl can SING. She doesn’t deserve to go home yet. I liked the arrangement for the most part too.

MAH BOO ADAM LAMBERT - First of all, he was singing to me. Further, HIS VOICE IS CRAZY. His instrument is flawless. He is an AMAZING performer. Let’s just give him the #1 spot already! So inventive. So hot. Seriously, I want to put my tongue in his mouth.

Matt - (why the H is it so hard for me to remember this dude’s name?) Ok, I think the JT impersonation is what’s been hurting him in this competition. That said, he’s a fly singer. But at this point, I could part with him. Sorbs*, Matt.

Anoop - Before we go any further— that mustache? Do not want. I’d still hit it though. Why are people failing to realize that he has an amazing voice?! I liked the pseudo-Usher/Ne-Yo vibe he was rocking tonight. I don’t think we should be done with him just yet! **Sidebar— bad ending note, but I forgive you ‘Noop dog!

BEST: MAH BOO
WORST: Lil Rounds

So Many Problems...

2008-11-26T22:08:00.002-05:00

I’m catching up on this Saturday’s episode of SNL and out of curiosity, I caught Ludacris and T-Pain’s performance of the new song ‘One More Drink,’ and let me tell you, there are so many problems with it.

For starters, not 30 seconds into the song, Ludacris starts rapping about drinking and driving:

It was Friday night,

And I was feelin’ AIGHT, (Yep)

Downtown Atlanta, big city, bright lights,

Mixin’ Henny wit the Sprite,

While I’m drinkin’ and drivin’

Hmm.. Drinking and driving is one of those things for me that is not okay under any set of circumstances. And for Ludacris to rap, glorify, and essentially condone this reckless and potentially fatal behavior is completely irresponsible as a citizen and celebrity. If this were, say, 1999 and this song were released, I might be a little more forgiving, but in the year 2008 when so many people lose their lives and loved ones to drunk driving, this is simply not ok.

I should have started fast forwarding when I heard the ‘drinkin’ and drivin” line, but sadly I didn’t. As I listened more, I noticed the further horrors of this song:

So, I crept up like SHAWTY WHAT’S HAPPENIN’?,

You killin’ that dress and I love it with a passion,

Then she turned around and her face was AIGHT,

She had a gap tooth and a mean overbite,

But I was like HMMMMM!!!!…

If I take one more drink,

I’m gon’ end up f**kin’ YOUUUUUU…

…Cause’ she started lookin’ better, every shot of Patron

Yep. Essentially, this song is about having sex with a butterface. How empowering, right? It pretty much sings the praises of pounding drinks so Luda can force himself to get busy with a girl who he believes is too ugly to be worth his time. My question, then, is why is he having sex with her anyway? Luda, if you’re so good looking and amazing, why can’t you find a girl you don’t have to give yourself alcohol poisoning for to find her attractive? Stuff like this really really makes me hate people; musicians in particular. Some songs just shouldn’t be made, and this is one of them.

Sadly, this effing song is super catchy, so whether I like it or not, it’s going to be stuck in my head. I used to really like and respect Ludacris and his hustle.. But right now, he’s in the doghouse.

Who Will Be Michelle Obama?

2008-11-09T20:11:00.003-05:00

So this week I've been thinking a lot about the inevitable Barack Obama biopic. It probably won't be upon us until the end of his first term at the very least, but my mind immediately went to casting. As far as the President-Elect goes, we all know that Will Smith's got that one wrapped up; that's not even a question. But I can't help but wonder what actress would land the role of Michelle. Like I said, I've been thinking a lot about it, so here are my thoughts:

Who it shouldn't be: Anika Noni Rose, Gabrielle Union, Thandie Newton (and any other actress who's far too light-skinned to play Michelle; ie Sanaa Lathan)

I'm mostly just set on it not being Thandie Newton. She's a fine actress, but casting her as Michelle would be all wrong. I was already minorly offended by Oliver Stone's casting of her as Condoleeza Rice in 'W;' those two women look nothing alike! They tried to fudge it with weird prosthetics, but it was just really ridiculous to me considering the amount of black actresses straight up need work. Were there no other black actresses up to the job? I think not. I'd hate to see another strong black (and brown-skinned) woman get whitewashed by Hollywood on film. Anika Noni Rose is also a capable actress, but she's far too short to pull of Michelle who is not only tall, but also a commanding presence. At around 5' even, Anika wouldn't cut it. I love Gabby Union, and so far she's the best match physically, but I don't think she has the acting chops to pull it off.

Who will get completely overlooked: Nia Long, Kimberly Elise, Nona Gaye

All three of these ladies are great actors, but with the exception of Nia Long, none of them have the star power to pull much support for this role. Kimberly has the most going for her physically, as she would probably embody Michelle the best, but unfortunately, these ladies won't be considered much for this role, if at all.

Who will probably be on the short list: Kerry Washington, Angela Bassett, Halle Berry, Jada Pinkett Smith

Some of these ladies on this list will probably get more consideration than others.. Angela Bassett is automatically out, because by the time the film gets made, she'll be way too old to play Michelle. I already know she's going to be upset about that one. I love Halle Berry, but she's not right for the part. But of course she'll be part of the conversation because of her good friend Oscar. Kerry Washington definitely has the acting skills to pull this one off, but physically she's all wrong. She's too slight for the role. Jada will only be on the list because her husband's going to be playing Barack, but we all know that's not going to happen.

Who it will probably come down to: Regina King

Regina King is the perfect age and skin tone to play Michelle. She's still a little too short, but that's nothing that some sky high heels can't fix. The thing that really makes her ideal is her realness and the quality of her voice and speech. I could see her doing wonders as Michelle. She has the same fierceness and strong sense of self that Michelle possesses. I imagine she would be great at showing the depth of Michelle as wife, mother, and first lady. I can also see her doing well alongside Will Smith.

Who it should be: SHARON LEAL

Most of you may not be familiar Sharon Leal. She's originally a Broadway girl; she played Mimi in RENT. She was also in Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married, Dreamgirls, and Soul Men with Bernie Mac and Samuel L. Jackson. I think Sharon would be perfect for the role because she is stunning and beautiful, the same color as Michelle, and not so famous that her presence would be a distraction from seeing the character come through which is something I could see being a slight problem with a Regina King. Sharon is the right height (yay!), and in my head I can already see her as Michelle. She's a great actor, and she too would look amazing next to Will Smith.

Can't wait to see how this plays out in 8 years or so.

If Sarah Palin Were Black

2008-10-03T12:19:00.000-04:00

Sarah Palin's Alaskan accent is seen as endearing, even though she pronounces a lot of words incorrectly by 'main street' standards. For Palin, 'feel' becomes 'fill;' 'America' becomes 'Amurrica;' 'you' becomes 'ya;' and I'm nearly positive the word is 'nuclear.'

I wouldn't be bothered by Palin's 'folksy,' down home dialect, except for the fact that if Sarah Palin were Black, Latina, or anything else besides white, there is no doubt that her 'funny accent' would work to her detriment in her Vice Presidential campaign.

Yes, Senator Barack Obama's speech has a slight south side Chicago lilt, but as African-Americans, both he and his wife are held to a higher, if unwritten, standard of speech.

Palin can get away with terms like 'Joe six pack' in a formal debate, but were Obama to say 'My brothas on the streets,' or something else to assert kinship or solidarity with African-American men, it would be front page news.

Imagine if instead of 'Hey, can I call ya Joe?' we heard 'Yo, can I call ya Joe?' Both are regional dialects in this country, but only one is considered endearing and indicative of one's American-ness in the public political forum.

Once again, America has treated Sarah Palin with an unprecedented respect. First, with her teenage daughter's pregnancy, which no doubt would have been the end of the Obama campaign were the shoe on the other foot. And now, with her deviation from 'standard English,' she's classified as 'folksy' and 'down home,' when it is easy to assume that were someone in the Obama campaign saying things like 'Nah'm sayin', nah mean?' and 'Ya feel me?' in debates and interviews, it would most certainly be a problem.

Poor Vivienne

2008-07-13T10:42:00.004-04:00

You tell me what's wrong with this list: Maddox, Zahara, Pax, Shiloh, Knox, and....Vivienne.

For starters, congratulations to American royalty Saint Angelina Jolie and Friar Brad Pitt on the birth of their fifth and sixth children, Knox Leon Jolie Pitt (a boy), and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie Pitt (a girl). They were born in Nice, France on Saturday via c-section.

There's no doubt those twinsies are already living a life of privilege most of us will never know, but I do feel sorry for one of them.

Poor little Vivienne Marcheline. Not only is she at the tail end of a long road of kid-collecting from her incredibly famous parents, but she got the short end of the stick as far as cool names are concerned. Maddox, Pax, Zahara, and Knox all sound like super awesome, butt-kicking action heroes. Vivienne sounds like a southern belle who wouldn't dare step out into the sun for fear of getting a freckle.

Four out of the six kids have an 'X' in their name for crying out loud! Where the heck did 'Vivienne' come from?! I understand the middle name, "Marcheline;" that's after Angelina's late mother. But couldn't they have thrown an 'x' in there to make little Vivienne feel better about herself? Something like Vixvienne? That has a nice ring to it. It also sets her up nicely to follow in mommy's light bondage footsteps.

Homegirl doesn't even get a cool nickname! I've heard Angie refer to Maddox as 'Mad' and Zahara as 'Z.' Pax and Knox don't require nicknames, their names are already legendary on their own. But what does Vivienne get? Viv? Vi? Poor little thing. And to top it all off...she's white. And you know that whiteness does not fare well in the Jolie-Pitt house. She's going to be a normal-named, neglected little blob. Someone call child protective services, stat!

That said, she is one of the 3 chosen ones who hit the genetic jackpot, and she'll probably be the hottest of the Jolie-Pitt clan. So while the other 5 are out being badass, she'll be out somewhere stopping traffic.

Make me proud, Viv.

Brangelina, Brangelina, Brangelina, Brangelina....

2008-07-10T01:06:00.003-04:00

Apparently as part of the bidding war for the Jolie-Pitt golden twins who have yet to be born, Angelina Jolie is insisting that whatever magazine chooses to pay for rights to the pictures stop referring to her and her ‘partner’ Brad Pitt as ‘Brangelina.’

Stopping one magazine from using ‘Brangelina’ isn’t going to stop Michael K, Perez, any of the blogs, or any of the other unlucky magazines from using it forever! You see what happened with J.Lo— I mean Jennifer Lopez. J.Lo will always be with her.

And seriously, Ange? Brangelina isn’t a bad name. Like at all. I would say that things like ‘Drunkst,’ ‘Sluttyienna,’ ‘Wino,’ ‘My Little Pony Parker,’ and ‘Fugs & Jugs’ rank a little higher on the horrible names list than Brangelina. Come on, after Bennifer, Brangelina is like the OG blended name! You should be proud!

And I will have a serious problem if any magazine (People, I’m talking to you) actually shells out $16 million for a picture of two wrinkly infants. Golden twins or no, that is excessive.

Can’t wait to see how this all goes down.

Losing My Cell Phone/Losing My Mind

2008-06-03T23:04:00.007-04:00

Everyone knows that my cell phone and I are as attached as these two ladies. Basically, my beloved cell phone is an extension of me. That said, on Saturday, May 31st, something really bad happened to me.

But this story doesn't start with Saturday. It started months ago when my mom and I were enjoying dinner at Burgers & Cupcakes in NYC. As we sat there talking, a group of young, happy people walked jovially out of the restaurant. One girl was just so happy to be alive, without a care in the world. She was so happy, in fact, that she dropped her jacket without noticing and continued to trot out of B&C. I got up, picked up the jacket, and called after the trotting ball of happiness. I had to shout "Miss!" about 7 times before she noticed I was calling her name. She was just that caught up in her happiness.. That girl was so happy that she lost something.

After that happened, I realized that that very experience was the exact reason why I feel anxious when everything is going right in my life. I'm always afraid that I will get too happy and like that girl, I will drop my proverbial jacket and something bad will happen. Last week, however, I finally decided that I was going to stop living in fear of 'dropping my jacket' and enjoy life. I was going to allow myself to be happy, and trust that nothing bad would happen.

Bad move. Back to my phone.

Saturday morning, at 6:30am, I grabbed my carefully and thoughtfully packed carry-on, my purse, and my cell phone, and crept out of my apartment so as not to wake my roommate. It only took me about a minute to hail a yellow cab, bit I should have known that the day was going to be bad the moment I banged the side of my head right on the door of the cab on my way in... Instead, I wiped the tears eyes and returned to my jovial mood.

During the cab ride to LaGuardia, I took a moment to further organize my purse before braving airport security, and even dabbed a little make-up on my face so I wouldn't feel like a total zombie. We reached LGA and I paid the cab driver, grabbed my bags, and walked into the airport. After I completed my self check-in, I dug into my purse to feel around for my cell phone. I reached into the pocket where I usually keep my baby, and it wasn't there. I then emptied the contents of my (extremely large) purse onto the airport floor, and I still didn't find my cell phone. I realize then that I must have left my darling cellie in the cab that has long since driven off. The horror!!!!!

At this point, I'm not panicking. I walk up to an airport employee, and he suggests that I go to the airport's taxi stand outside, and that they will help me track down my phone. I book it down to the taxi stand, and when I tell the guy working at the stand what's going on, he starts asking me all of these questions like when and where I was picked up, when and where I was dropped off, what kind of phone it is, and what the cab driver looked like. Homeboy is taking notes the entire time, and when he's done he tells me to call the Taxi company at '311' and tell them everything he's told me. Ummm...WTF!!??!?! Why did I just spend all that time telling you the information?!?!?! Homeboy didn't even have a radio or a phone to relay all of this information I'd given him. I have no idea why he was asking me all of that if he wasn't going to do anything with the information!!!!!!!!

After this I'm sad, angry, coughing up sputum into a napkin (from the bronchitis!), and pretty sure my brain is swelling after the hard hit in the cab. There's nothing I can do except for go through security and try to call the number he gave me once I'm sure I'll make my flight.

But then another problem occurs to me. I don't have a ride from the airport once I reach Chicago. I'd spoken to both my cousins Justin and Austin the day before over text, asking them for a ride, and letting him know my flight # and when it got in, but I hadn't had a chance to touch base with him that morning to double check who, if anyone, would be able to pick me up, let them know where I'd be, and coordinate with them where I should wait. Without a phone and without anyone's phone number I was pretty much up a creek, so I started to freak out a bit.

I came up with a plan. I would find a pay phone (gross), call my dad, and tell him to pass a message along to Justin. My dad always gets up super early on Sunday mornings to get ready for church and walk the dog, so I just knew he would pick up. I put my dollar (YES, pay phones cost $1 apparently) into the phone, dialed my dad's number, and when I heard his voice mail kick in, I just started to cry. I left a barely intelligible, very pathetic sounding message letting him know the situation and to tell my cousin Justin (who I was pretty sure was picking me up) all of my flight information.

The concussion helped me sleep on the flight, and I didn't really start to get really freaked out until I landed in Chicago. Everyone knows how hectic it is to try to find a ride at a major airport when you have a cell phone. So now imagine that you're without a phone with no idea who is picking you up, what kind of vehicle they're in, or if they're even coming! Traumatic!!!!

Since I called my dad from a pay phone and was without a phone myself, I had no idea whether he'd contacted my cousin or if he'd even gotten my message. When I walked to the baggage claim area for my flight and saw no one I recognized, I started to panic again. I decided that I'd have to get back to work on the pay phone. Before I could do that, I had to stop at one of the airport's newsstands to load up on change. This was a truly emotionally devastating experience for me.

After getting the change (which I had to pay 2 dollars for, fyi!), I got on the pay phone again, calling my dad, my sister Rachel, my mom, and my grandma. Not a one of those negroes answered their phones!!!

With each passing dollar and voice mail message, I started to get more and more defeated and irate. I started saying fatalistic things like "I'm running out of change," "I don't know if anyone's going to get this message," "This is my last phone call," and "I'm really freaking out." In hindsight, I was probably being just a tad bit dramatic. I mean, people were staring at me. Once I did get someone on the phone (my sister Rachel), I started screaming at the top of my mucus-filled lungs because I found out that after getting my first message, my dad had only text messaged my cousin!!! I screamed: "HE SENT A TEXT MESSAGE?!!!? I'M STRANDED IN THE AIRPORT AND ALL HE SENT WAS A TEXT MESSAGE!??!? I AM GOING TO MURDER HIM!!!" This was definitely not a hit with my fellow fliers, let me tell you.

After countless less-than-productive phone conversations, and one semi-productive one (that the operator cut short...that skank), I found out that my cousin was, in fact, on his way. He was running late, but he was coming for me. My stint on Chicago O'Hare Survivor Island would come to a close shortly. On my last call before I ran out of change, I told my sister to let him know exactly where I would be outside. Shortly thereafter, my cousins Justin and Austin pulled up and my legs nearly gave out, I was so excited.

Unfortunately, me being retrieved from the airport is the only happy ending this story has. After hundreds of calls put in to my phone (which I kept on for about a day and a half hoping the person who had it would try to call someone in my phone book and return it), I gave up hope and had my service temporarily disconnected. Monday, I walked into an AT&T store and purchased a brand new Blackjack II. Thankfully, I had an upgrade, so the phone didn't cost nearly as much as it could have, but it was definitely hard accepting that all of my contacts, pictures, files, and most of all my baby that has been through SO MUCH without crapping out on me were gone.

So please, for the love of all that is good and holy, send me your number. Because every time I look into the eyes of my new and empty (although beautiful and infinitely awesome) blackjack II, I die a little bit inside.

Did the 'Sex and the City' Movie Deliver?

2008-05-30T13:24:00.003-04:00

Last night, I caught a midnight showing of the new Sex and the City movie. Obviously, **SPOILER ALERT** for anyone who hasn't seen the movie yet and doesn't want anything revealed. Don't say I didn't warn you.

So overall, the movie was pretty enjoyable, but it definitely had its of flaws. It definitely delivered a lot of what hard core SATC fans were expecting, but not much else. For the most part it was a totally watered down version of the Sex and the City show I fell in love with. For starters, there was just too much monogamy going on! All of the girls are in these for the most part sexless relationships, and that just is not like them! Every single one of them, including the usually-sex crazed Samantha, were nesting and playing house. That, combined with the very conspicuously larger hips and waists of the fantastic four, proved that maybe they did wait too long to come out with the movie. I came for the girls, and all I got was four old married chicks. I just don’t get it. How can you put out a movie called ‘Sex and the City’ without any sex?! They tried to supplement the sexlessness of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha’s relationships by sporadically going back to Samantha’s randy neighbor, but it just was not the same.

While the movie was light on the sex, it was definitely heavy on the camp. Now I like camp. I really do. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is my favorite show, for goodness sake. But the SATC movie was a little too camptastic for me. Take the whole Charlotte going 'Poughkeepsie in her pants,' for instance. Charlotte York Goldenblatt would never, ever poo her pants! Ever! That whole pudding/poo plot point I could definitely have done without. Actually, the whole Mexico thing was just too ridiculous for me too. The show and film are named SEX AND THE CITY!!! So why leave the city!? Especially when all along the actors and creators have often called New York City the fifth character on the show?

And don't. even. get. me. started. on Carrie's hair!!! I don't understand why after all of the blatant nostalgia in the film (Carrie's wardrobe retrospective fashion show for the girls--brills!), they made the less-than-wise decision to give lovely, bubbly, blonde Carrie mousy brown hair for the majority of the movie! NO! I understand why a jilted Carrie would want to change her hair, but a) that wig was NOT doing it for me and b) it just reminded me too much of Sarah Jessica Parker 'the movie star,' and not Carrie Bradshaw. There were a few moments when I could have sworn I was watching 'The Family Stone.' Needless to say, that is not good.

Also, what happened to the FASHION!? Why did most of the clothes look like 1980s couture? Granted, Carrie’s rocked those slammin’ Christian Dior pumps and Charlotte’s bridesmaid’s dress was gorgeous, but nearly everything Miranda and Samantha wore were straight out of shoulder pad hell. Pat Field, you dropped the ball on this one!

For the most part, I didn't have too many issues with the storyline. Oh wait... I did. Let's make this short and sweet.

Jennifer Hudson and her whole St. Louis/Saint Louise storyline sucked.

Why did Samantha break up with Smith!? STUPID! Smith was the one man that was meaningful enough for Samantha to be faithful. Did the writer(s) forget that Smith was the one man who actually understood and loved Samantha for who she is? That Smith would never allow Samantha to lose herself in him or their relationship. And Smith would never 'work late' on Valentine's Day. Remember when he flew home all the way from a shoot in Canada just for her? So out of character for both of them.

What the EFF happened to Carrie?! Whose bright idea was it to have a broken, damaged, Meredith Grey version of Carrie for the majority of the movie!? That is not the Carrie we know and love!! Carrie is strong. She would never agree to marry a man who humiliated her and destroyed her trust like John "Mr. Big" Preston aka Major Douche Bag did. Am I the only one who feels this way???? I wish I would marry a dude who left me at the altar! Big’s lucky that all Carrie did was give him a floral beat down.

All of that said, there were definitely some fun and awesome moments in the movie too:

Anything having to do with Cynthia Nixon. That woman is amazing. She’s a lovely actress, and I really like how Miranda didn’t let Steve off the hook. Also her ‘let’s just get it over with!’ was SO Miranda and so funny.

Pretty much all of the scenes with just the four ladies. Carrie’ ‘mexicoma’ joke was a glimpse of the show I love, and Samantha showing up with not one, but two bottles of champagne was really cute.

Carrie stepping into her (and everyone else’s) dream New York apartment. Her cute “hello, I live here” as she walked through the apartment.

I think that at the end of it all, the movie’s going to make a ton of money, and all of the hard-core, Cosmo-swilling, ‘I came to New York for labels and love,’ Carrie Bradshaw wannabes in New York and everywhere else will enjoy it. My sister Mariah said it best: “I’m a sucker for love and closure,” and at the end of the day, so am I. That’s why I think the Sex and the City movie is probably the best it could have possibly been, and I’m okay with that.

I Guess E! Gives Anyone a Show These Days

2008-05-26T23:51:00.004-04:00

Tonight I caught the series premieres of Living Lohan and Denise Richards: It's Complicated. It's actually not all that complicated. Neither Denise Richards nor Dina Lohan live on the planet earth anymore. Instead, both ladies reside on Mars or wherever else it's deemed acceptable to lead the lives they do.

Let's start with Denise. Unfortunately, Denise's looks are about the prettiest things about her. She's pretty shallow, doesn't seem to be a very attentive mom (she's got 10 dogs, 3 cats, and 3 pigs to care about!), and her only concern is bashing her ex(es) on national television. She's making it oh-so-easy to side with Charlie Sheen as far as the 'he said, she said' goes. Denise keeps saying that she's "not just the Bond girl" or "not just the girl from Wild Things." If you're not that girl, Denise, then why do you keep bringing it up???? The only redeeming moment of the entire vapid, senseless, un-entertaining episode was the tender moment Denise shared with her father who recently moved in after the death of her mother. It's obvious that Denise cares a lot about her family, but boy does homegirl curse like a sailor!

Now onto the Lohans! I knew I didn't want to go on a 'Lohan Holiday!' Those people are CRAZY! Talk about bad parenting! Dina Lohan left her 14-year-old daughter and 11-year-old son at home alone with a 25-year-old stranger who she met ONLINE! Dina, what are you thinking?! Oh wait, she's not. She spends every waking moment either online reading PerezHilton or at her kitchen table reading tabloids. She even calls home when she's out running errands and has her assistant scour the internet for stories about her. Here's a tip: why don't you try not reading it at all! You know what they say; 'garbage in, garbage out!'

And don't worry, I'll be taking my own advice and trying not to watch these trainwreck reality shows for the rest of the season.

I think the biggest culprits in all of this are Ryan Seacrest and the E! channel. They're the ones that saw fit for this drivel to infiltrate my life. They know that I'll watch anything, and this is just punishment for my television promiscuity! What I don't understand is how they've tried to make the entire Living Lohan show about Lindsay without ever having anything more than a mantel photo of her on the show. Can you say grabbing at straws!? Ugh. I am disgusted with them, and I'm disgusted with myself for watching tonight, knowing that I'm going to watch next week, and writing about it right now.

Hold me.

David Archuleta is a Dead Man*

2008-05-21T23:53:00.004-04:00

Poor, poor David Archuleta. That boy has a voice of pure gold, but apparently it wasn't enough to take down David Cook in tonight's 'American Idol' season finale. I feel bad for him, and not only because he didn't win; I mostly feel bad for Archuleta because, well, he's dead now.

I hate to say it, but the little 17-year-old singing sensation is probably being bludgeoned to death by his father as we speak. You see, little David may sing like an angel, but his dad is the ultimate stage dad. David's father, Jeff Archuleta, was recently banned from all rehearsals, recording sessions, and anything having to do with the behind the scenes portion of Idol because of his horrible and often intimidating behavior.

Apparently, this isn't the first time that Jeff's been a douche bag when it comes to David's singing career. This man allegedly made a habit of harassing children when David was a contestant on Star Search back in 2003. Children!! He also just cost Idol tons of cash when he coerced his David-bot into singing a few bars of Sean Kingston's 'Beautiful Girls' when he sang 'Stand By Me' on the show. Poor little David was obviously too scared to stand up to daddy, so he did it, and AI had to pay up!

David's dad wants his son to win, and he wants him to win bad. He's on a mission to become the next Matthew Knowles/Papa Joe/Jamie Spears and get on the payroll of his money-making child so he can retire at 40. I see it in his eyes.

Did anyone ever ask how David got that 'vocal paralysis' when he was younger in the first place? I think dear old Dad socked him one in the throat after a particularly bad rehearsal session. Poor David. Someone needs to call child protective services or the Jolie-Pitts ASAP and get him out of there. I bet if you cut together all of his Idol performances from the entire season and played them backwards, you'd hear something like "HELP ME! SERIOUSLY, HELP! MY DAD'S GONNA MURDER ME IF I DON'T WIN!" Seriously, America, if your lack of votes sent this musical genius and teen cutie to an early grave I will never forgive you!!! Jeff Archuleta promised David to me on his 18th birthday, and if he doesn't live to see that day, well, I'll be pissed.

RIP Archuleta. Rest in peace.

*Yes, I fully realize that I may have mistakenly used the word 'man' in an inappropriate context. Deal with it.

Brangelina's Having Twins. Stop it.

2008-05-14T22:36:00.005-04:00

Why is it that every celebrity mom has twins!? Jennifer Lopez, Julia Roberts, Marcia Cross, and now Angelina Jolie?! I find it really hard to believe that twins just happen to run in all of their families. Me think there is a bit of an in vitro epidemic going on in Hollywood. Sorry ladies, but in vitro shouldn't be the first alternative just cause you're too skinny to get pregnant on your own. But back to Angie.

If you're keeping score at home, these wonder twins bring the Brangelina total to a whopping 6 kids, all under the age of eight. Are Brad and Angelina insane? They are two kids away from their own TLC show about how they drive a 15-passenger van and buy all of their groceries at Sam's.

Honestly, I get that they're trying to 'help people' and all, but when you're taking a kid from an orphanage and putting them in another, it starts to get a little ridiculous. I wonder what their house looks like. I bet the kids have just one huge room with just rows and rows of beds waiting for the next kids they buy/kidnap/make in a test tube. Seriously, Angelina is starting to remind me of Miss Clavel from 'Madeline.' I bet she makes all of the kiddies wear matching dresses and hats... Even the boys. She's kinky like that. Actually, scratch that. Angelina strikes me more as a Miss Hannigan from 'Annie.' She's probably got Pax and Maddox bringing her drinks with umbrellas in them while Shiloh and Zahara use their baby fingers to rub her toes the way she likes it.

Brangelina's enjoying the whole kid collecting thing now, but they're going to be singing a different tune when they've got 15 little Lohans and Brody Jenners running a meth lab out of their garage and getting knocked up at 16. Seriously, little Hollywood kids never turn out well, and now Brangelina's creating them by the dozen. So Brad, Angie; you can stop now. We get it. You guys like kids. That's cute. Really freaking cute. But have or buy another kid and I will personally cut you myself. That said, little thing one and thing two are probs going to be totes gorge.

I'm jealous.

When did Monday become the hottest night on television!?!?

2008-05-13T00:49:00.005-04:00

Oh what a night! I can’t remember a Monday night of TV this entertaining in forever! First off, thank the lord for DVR, for without which I would have missed a lot of it. So let’s do a quick recap. Holy son of a married couple, there were a lot of shows on tonight! Tonight I caught How I Met Your Mother, Samantha Who?, Gossip Girl, Medium, and House. All of which were pretty darn amazing! Let’s start at the bottom and work our way up, shall we?And in case you’re an idiot *SPOILER ALERT!* there will probably be spoilers below. Read at your own risk.

How I Met Your Mother
This is probably the first (and last) time this show will be on the bottom of any list as far as I’m concerned. It’s only here by virtue of the fact that House gave me chills and set a pretty high bar. That, and the fact that Britney Spears was a giant suckhole of suck in the episode, thus preventing it from reaching its full awesomeness potential.

best moment: I feel like every minute of HIMYM is the best moment, but I particularly loved anything having to do with Ted’s red cowboy boots and i’m “pulling. them. off.”

Gossip Girl
GG definitely had big shoes to fill with last week’s ‘OMFG moment’-filled episode. I have to say, they definitely resolved the whole ‘Serena killed someone’ storyline WAY too fast for my liking. It was really great to see Chuck, Nate, and Blair rally around S in her time of need. It was also pretty awesome to see Lily and Rufus finally lock lips again, and thrillingly awesome to see just how scary manipulative Georgina is willing to get in order to ruin Serena’s life. I do think the whole “I killed someone” was totes dramatic on S’s part. She didn’t kill that guy!! If anything, she tried to save his life! Plus he semi-tried to rape her, so I think she gets a pass. Overall, a good episode, but not nearly as good as the anticipation from the past week.

best moment: Chuck’s perfectly delivered line “I’m Chuck Bass.” Check it out here!

Samantha Who?
There’s something about Samantha Who that just really appeals to my sense of humor. It’s got an absurdist quality to it, but at its core it’s rooted in reality. At least as real as possible when you’re dealing with an amnesia storyline! The one-liners on that show are brilliant, and the cast is really great; Jean Smart, Christina Applegate, and Jennifer Esposito really shine. I hadn’t seen the episode before this one, but I was really happy to see Sam and Todd getting real about their relationship, but not throwing it away either. Plus, all of the scenes with Chloe were pretty hilarious.

best moment: When Chloe opened the closet and Todd dove out of her sight. I cackled!

Medium
I’ve only recently gotten into Medium, but this show delivers the best of both worlds in my opinion. I’m a Sci-Fi lite girl, so the whole psychic thing is really cool. It’s sort of like Buffy meets Law & Order, but light on the Buffy. Patricia Arquette is really great, and they do a great job creeping the crap out of me! So glad I finally started watching this show regularly, and can’t wait to see what they come up with next.

best moment: “Don’t they know they have kids?!” The family dynamic on that show is so realistic, and I loved the little kids only conversation we got to see at the end of the episode.

HOUSE
Talk about OMFG!! Part of the reason I am writing this right now is because I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep after tonight’s episode of House. It goes without saying that Hugh Laurie is deeply talented. That man was made to play this role and it’s a joy to watch. Tonight, we caught up with House as he was looking pretty out of it in a strip club. Turns out he’d been in a terrible bus accident and had retrograde amnesia. The catch is that he remembered seeing a symptom and realizing that someone was going to die before he lost his memory, but now he can’t remember who, what, why, when, or how. Most of the episode is spent in the depths of House’s mind as he tries to diagnose the driver of the bus, who he (and everyone else) thinks is the mystery patient. At the end of the episode after a series of creepy/sexy hallucinations (and one scary, PTSD-inducing bus crash scene), a near-death House realizes that it’s Amber (also known as “CTB” or cutthroat bitch) that’s going to die; and it’s not a result of the accident. I don’t know about you, but after seeing the preview for next week’s episode, I am on pins and needles!

best moment: Cuddy’s diagnostic pole dance in the schoolgirl uniform. Lisa Edelstein definitely hit the gym before that one! Priceless that House chose diagnosing a patient’s symptoms over a topless sex fantasy. That is definitely dedication.

See, I told you TV tonight was crazy! Can’t wait for next Monday night!!

"I'm Chuck Bass."

2008-05-12T16:47:00.004-04:00

As if I needed more proof that I am going to love tonight's episode of 'Gossip Girl' more than I love life itself! This clip just came along and proved me very, very right. Here's a teaser scene from tonight's episode. It brings the drama and most importantly, it brings the Chuck Bass humor and smarm that I love so very much. Ed Westwick is just perfect in this role; he's the most loveable jerfaced douche bag this side of Spencer Pratt. Check out the clip! Can't wait to discuss tonight's episode!

Creepy Creeperton

2008-01-26T20:16:00.001-05:00

I think I'm sick. Like mentally ill. Because I have had two very major cases of mistaken identity twice in the past month. For some reason these days, I can't seem to tell anyone apart. Say, for example, I see my sister Rachel in the street-- I see her face, recognize that I know her, but my mind tells me it's Mariah (my other sister). Okay that was a crappy example, but you get the point.

So today, I'm on my way home from an early AM audition and I have to take the N train. I have on heels so I uncharacteristically decide to sit on the bench to wait for the train. As I approach the seats, I see a round-ish, about 40-year-old Creepy Creeperton man in a green coat and green pants (a uniform of some sort?). He's carrying a backpack and he looks up and smiles at me. It's then that I realize that I know him, but I'm not sure from where. Being polite, I smile (a real one, which is really hard to get out of me), wave, and say "oh hi!" and sit down. I'm pretty positive he's one of the security guards in my office building or at our edit facility.

After I sit down, he says 'Hello beautiful," in this low-talking creeper voice and asks me what I'm up to. I tell him that I just came from an audition and respond "how about you?" He says "well I just got a haircut," and takes off his hat to show me. Again, trying to be polite, I say "it looks really great." Keep in mind that all the while I'm smiling and being cordial because it's the nice thing to do.

He then asks me, "So do you work around here?" Now this is the moment where I start to panic a little bit. You see, I thought I knew homeboy from my office building, but if he's asking if I work in the NYU area, that's obviously not the case. Could I be talking to a stranger??? Red flag.

I'm still not sure, so we keep talking and our conversation goes a bit like this:

Him: So what do you do?
Me: I work in television.
Him: Cool. You know what other profession you should do?
Me: [pause] Uh, what?
Him: Modeling.
Me: [Hysterically laughing] Uh, yeah right. Thank you, but no. Just no.
Him: I'm serious!
Me: Yeah, okay.

At this point, the train arrives, so I stand up, thankful to get out of this awkward (potentially dangerous?) situation. He also stands and says:

Him: Are you going far?
Me: [realizing that I'm talking to a complete stranger] No.
Him: I don't mean you any harm. Would you like to ride together and talk?
Me: [completely terrified, but not wanting to hurt his feelings] Uh, okay?

So we get on the train, and I sit in a seat with no open seats around it, cross my arms and close my eyes to signal to him that I really don't want to talk any further. But Creeper doesn't take a hint. He stands above me and starts muttering things I just plain can't understand. What I do get from the psycho-muttering is that he's getting off in a few stops at 34th street. 'Thank GOD!' I think to myself. I pretty much stop responding to his conversation and he finally starts busying himself with writing something down. Finally, we reach 34th street and as he's getting off of the train, he hands me a note (see above) which says:

Mike Warren
Columbia University Public Safety
212-xxx-xxxx
Please call me
Beautiful
Lady
Good Luck Lauren

As he hands me the note, he says "Please, please, please, please call me, Lauren. Call me up if you ever want a tour of Columbia."

SOOOOO CREEPY, guys. Super creepy McGee. I don't even know how to describe the fear and self-loathing I felt when I fully realized that I'd fabricated an entire relationship with this (possibly homeless) person in my mind.

Is this a real disorder? Like am I coming down with something? The last time I mistook someone for someone else was pretty catastrophic too. This can't, simply can not keep happening to me or I'll end up fictionalized on Law & Order: SVU. From now on, I'm operating on a very strict no-stranger policy. Unless you call me by first, middle, and last name and recite the last four digits of my social security number, I simply will not acknowledge you in the street. Period. If I want to live, it has to happen.

Heath Ledger Found Dead

2008-01-22T17:24:00.000-05:00

As you've probably heard, actor Heath Ledger of Brokeback Mountain and 10 Things I Hate About You fame has been found dead in his SoHo apartment. The details are still quite shady, but what we know so far is that at around 3:30pm on Tuesday a masseuse and housekeeper found Heath unresponsive in his bedroom. After unsuccessful attempts to wake him, they called 911 and after multiple CPR attempts, the actor was pronounced dead. Reports also say that some unidentified pills were found near Ledger's body.

Unfortunately, this is the result of nothing but hard living. It's hard to say now whether the 'overdose' being reported was intentional or accidental, but it's clear that the Hollywood lifestyle is starting to claim too many lives, too fast. Even the Britneys and Amy Winehouses of the 'hood have lost their lives; if not literally, figuratively. Hopefully Heath's death won't be in vain and it will serve as a warning/wake-up call to his peers to wise up and slow down.

And maybe it's just me, but I don't know how good I feel about Dark Knight being released any time soon. I realize that the film's already been shot, Heath's wearing make-up, and all of those things, but have we no shame? Is our desire to see what's sure to be a great film greater than our respect for a grieving family? I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Heath Ledger: 1979-2008.

Update: Sources are saying that the apartment Heath was found in is owned by Mary-Kate Olsen. WTF?!

Baby Mania

2008-01-16T11:25:00.000-05:00

Take a look at this list right here, and tell me what you see:

Matthew McConaughey, Jessica Alba, Nicole Richie, David Spade, Jodie Sweetin, Alessandra Ambrosio, Jessica Sierra, Jamie Lynn Spears, Jennifer Lopez, Nicole Kidman, Britney Spears, and Halle Berry.

No, that isn't a list of people planning to get high behind the middle school later, it's a list of people who are set to become parents in the next 9 months. Yes, that's right all of the above people were Hollywood delinquents or scandals at one time or another and they're all about to be parents. The horror.

Have all of the condoms and contraceptives in the world staged a mass exodus from Hollywood? Is there super sperm in the water? Scratch that, celebs don't drink tap water. They're probably adding a double shot of fertility in with everyone's lattes and frapps at Starbucks. Someone stop the madness! Tyra, Dr. Phil, anyone! Someone hit Robertson armed with rubber gloves and craft scissors and get to snipping! There is no way this planet will be safe with the spawns of Matthew McConaughey and David Spade among others roaming around high and shirtless.

The world ain't safe! I'm telling you, this is not going to end well. Either these kids are going to band together and put Casey Worthington to shame or Brangelina's brood is about to get twelve kids deeper.

A word to the wise: If you live in the Western portion of this country, run. Run for your life. It's about to get ugly! Don't say I didn't warn you.

Blohan Slips Up

2008-01-03T14:46:00.003-05:00

Well that didn't take long, did it?!

TMZ has some pretty clear-cut footage of Lindsay Lohan slipping up on her so-called 'sobriety.' It's a pretty clear shot of LiLo sipping the good stuff straight from the bottle. Trainwrecks can only be good girls for so long, and it looks like Linds' trainwreck status is back in full effect. Do I see another trip to rehab in her future? Let's hope so.

It gives me great joy to think that TMZ may have captured the very first sip of a long downward spiral in Ms. Lohan's life. Someone give those guys a raise!!!

It's gonna be a happy new year!

UPDATE: TMZ received word from Lindsay's lawyers who said: "The good news was that Lindsay stopped herself that night, called her sponsor, and got herself immediately back on track. There is no magic cure here. The most unfortunate part of this is that Lindsay has to share her 'one day at a time' with the entire world." That's not good news! No, no, no! No back on track, no 'one day at a time,' only passing out in SamRon's car at 2am! Come back to us, Lindsay of yore, we miss you!

Jamie Lynn Spears: One Dumb B*tch

2007-12-19T13:15:00.000-05:00

Excuse my language, but seriously, the Spears family has gone too far. Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant. As if her sister's sad and pathetic state wasn't warning enough, Jamie Lynn went out and got herself knocked up at sixteen years old. Seriously, is this some massive and elaborately staged prank? Has the past year been the Spears' family's way of saying 'GOTCHA!' to the world? Because I think I would believe that faster than I would believe the events of the past year. Jamie Lynn's pregnancy is the icing in the trainwreck cake!

The facts are these. Jamie Lynn Spears, soon-to-be former star of the hit Nickelodeon show, 'Zoey 101' is knocked up. The baby daddy is her live-in 19-year-old average Joe boyfriend Casey Aldridge who she met, wait for it, at church!

My question is this: Who in the backwoods, redneck hell taught Jamie and Lynn Spears how to be parents??? Did they do their mommy and me classes in a meth lab? WTF is wrong with their kids? Their children make me ashamed to be a human being! Honestly! I am ashamed to be a person because of the Spears girls' unbelievable behavior. And to top it off, Mama Spears took little Jamie Lynn to see 'Juno' this Monday in NYC! 'Juno' of all movies! Someone take mama and pop-pop out back and eliminate them from the gene pool. Please!

Anyway, depending on who you ask, Jamie Lynn is either 3 or 5 months into this pregnancy, and in classic Spears style, she's already whoring out her kid for cash. She's currently on the cover of 'OK' Magazine and once the baby's born she'll receive $1 million for a photo shoot. She's going to need it because her 'career' is over. Nickelodeon doesn't do 'knocked up,' sweetie! You's a Lifetime ho now! Goodbye Zoey 101, Hello Sixteen and Pregnant!

This is a sad, sad day. I think that all of us carried a little torch of hope that the Spears crazy was confined to Britney and that little Jamie Lynn would be our chance for a brighter future. It is my sad duty, my friends, to let you know that that torch has gone out. Turns out Jamie Lynn is just another pill poppin', booze swillin', boy bangin' trainwreck just like her big sis. Ain't family grand, ya'all?!

Wait, Why Is This Chick Famous Again?

2007-11-10T11:53:00.000-05:00

Britney Jean Spears. Is there anything you can do right? Someone (a genius) has leaked an audio clip of Britney's live, unaltered voice to the internets. It's audio from a Brit concert in 2001 and boy is it a treat! I have never heard singing this bad before-- and I've watched nearly every season of American Idol. Seriously William Hung has better chops than BS! Homegirl is panting, screeching, and what sounds like belching her way through her greatest hits! She has no ability to perform live, which leads me into my next question...

Why oh why is she even famous in the first place? I mean I get it now; who can resist the beautiful train wreck she has become. But why did she get so big to being with? You can't even call what she does in this clip 'singing,' and once she stopped being able to dance she really doesn't have anything else to offer except for an after picture of what happens when you drink 3 frappaccinos a day.

Speaking of people who shouldn't be famous... Let's just lay it all out there right now. Let's call it Lauren's List of Losers. Yes, that has a nice ring to it.

Here they are, in no particular order, the Hollyweird folk who should have their famous cards revoked, cut up, and put into collections. Did I take that metaphor too far?

-Jessica Biel-- You weren't good in 7th Heaven and I defy anyone to actually name a movie you were in. Also, you have man arms. Zing!

-Eva Longoria- You're not hot. You aren't a good actress. And again, not hot. Did anyone see the last episode of Desperate Housewives where she disguised herself as a teenage boy? A little too convincing! What business does someone who can easily pass as a male child with just a shirt and a hat have at the top of any 'hot' list?! I'm talking to you, Maxim!

-Zac Efron- Aw sweet little Zacquiesha. You didn't think I was going to let you get away, did you? You are a useless waste of screen time. You didn't do your own singing in HSM, your singing in HSM2 was atrosh, and that little mini ponytail has GOT.TO.GO! Lay off the foundation, would ya? Find a marketable skill or talent and maybe you'll get off the list one day. Maybe.

Ugh! Now I'm mad! Now I gotta go listen to "Blackout" while shopping for chandeliers online. Oh Brit!!

Really, J.Lo? Really!?

2007-10-21T19:57:00.000-04:00

Take a good hard look at this folks. This is the face (and body) of a woman who claims she is in no way pregnant. Really!? Jennifer Lopez still refuses to give it up and confirm that she and husband Marc "Skeletor" Anthony are expecting a baby (or babies!). Everyone on the planet has seen a pregnant woman--pregnancy is not really something you can hide from other human beings. This whole situation reminds me of my mom's childhood friend whose older sister had an ever-expanding belly, but her mother told everyone it was a 'tumor.' Nine months later, the tumor came out and was named Tiara. Interesting. Either J.Lo needs to offer some sort of medical explanation for why she's got some a baby-like growth in her abdomen or give it up already!

To be honest, the only reason why people are tolerating J.Lo's less-than-mediocre single 'Do It Well,' and her haggard appearance is because we're expecting a baby out of all of this! Look at that hair! Those chins! That is not the J.Lo we've come to know and tolerate. We're used to Jenny from the block; the Jennifer that rocks the pink diamonds, stilettos, and ripped abs!

Seriously, if homegirl isn't pregnant, then someone needs to get her to the emergency room immediately. I'm no doctor, but I can offer a host of diagnoses; none of which are favorable. Just confirm already! Confirm, confirm, confirm!! And I won't it if your confirmation comes in the form of a newborn wearing a "My Mami Loves Me" onesie. That, J.Lo, will be when you've lost your chance. Halle did it, Nicole did it, and--well, Christina didn't, but that's two out of three, heffa!

Britney Spears: Master of Logic & Reason

2007-10-08T19:57:00.000-04:00

So many things have gone just so terribly wrong in Britney Jean Spears' life, but she always manages to make things more interesting (read: eff them up even more) by making the obvious choice.

First, the court tells Brit Brit that she must stop drinking, drugging, and partying or they'll take away her kids. For Brit, the obvious thing to do in that situation is to continue drinking, drugging, and partying while being filmed by the paps and hitting-and-running on an invalid license. Ding dang, ya'll!

Now, Britney has yet again been admonished to clean up her act, sober up, and stop drinking, drugging, and partying in order to maintain her already-flimsy visitation rights with her children. For Brit, the obvious thing to do in this situation is to continue to bounce around the LA area vamping for the paparazzi and submitting a job application to work as a bartender in a hotel bar!!

Seriously! TMZ is reporting that Brit has applied for a job as a bartender in the 'Cameo Bar' at the Viceroy hotel in Santa Monica. Number one, doesn't homegirl make like a mil a month? WTF does she need a job for? Number two, I wish I would let Britney Spears make me a drink! She'd probably mix me up a nice and lethal Ammonia and Coke with a cute little umbrella in the top. For reals!

Seriously, ya'll, Britney needs help in the worst way. And the bad news is that mama Lynne and baby sis Jamie Lynn Spears have come to town to help Britney in her time of need. All I've seen so far is a "How to Be a Trainwreck Without Really Trying" tutorial taking place for little Jamie Lynn. Someone go get SPF and JJ and do a lil' snip snip before it's too late! As Khia said, something in the milk ain't clean! These people should be banned from reproducing!

LeBron Flops & Bret's Got "Dye-uh-beet-is"

2007-10-01T11:08:00.000-04:00

Let's talk about this weekend in TV. And don't worry, we're SO going to talk about the season finale of "Rock of Love." If you haven't seen it yet, and don't want to know who won- there are **spoilers below**.

First up? The (somewhat tragic) season premiere of Saturday Night Live with host LeBron James. The cast and writers of this episode really stepped it up with some seriously funny sketches and digital shorts, namely the "Iran So Far" digital short, the sketch with Kanye West, and the Kristen Wiig's brilliant "Penelope!" Unfortunately, however, LeBron James brought whatever sketch he was in to a grinding halt the minute he entered the scene. Since when is it okay for hosts to play themselves in FOUR sketches? FOUR!? He sucked. Lorne, never do that again. Ever. Thanks.

Let's get to "Rock of Love." First of all, can someone tell Bret Michaels that 1) the jig is up on the whole hair issue- we know that's a weave and 2) it's diabeTES, not diabetISS!! And Heather has some serious self-perception issues if she thought that bandanna she wore to dinner was a 'sundress,' and don't even get me started on that disaster that was on top her head at elimination.

Heather described her hairstyle as "f**k me hair." What I think she meant to say is "f**ked up" hair because her hair situation was...Special. Heather looked like a skanky 80s big bird, while Jes just looked like a cuter version of Tonks from "Harry Potter." Anyway, Bret ended up asking the girls if they would both be his girlfriend and share him, to which Heather was all "heck yes" and Jes was like "f**k no." In the end Bret picked the 23-year-old Jes over Heather's dried up stripper a%$. Too bad for Heather since she recently had Bret's name tattooed on the back of her neck. Oh well. She can find another 'Bret' to date...Right? Strippers always bounce back.

The World's Tiniest Cries For Help

2007-09-25T15:41:00.000-04:00

Look, it's the cutest little mistakes, aka Sean Preston and Jayden James Federline! And surprise, surprise--these two tiny tots have turned to each other and have banded together against their mama's insanity. The image of these two gripping each other's hands is saddening, but before that it's just straight up hilarious. Can you imagine the dialogue they're having in that back seat right now?

JJ: Uh oh, ya'all!! Mama's driving!?!! Hold me!
SPF: It's gon' be alright JJ-- let's hope she ain't had her ecstasy pops yet! Get to prayin', JJ!! Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far, far away...
JJ: Sean, I gotta pee!

Seriously, when is child protective services going to intervene here? For the billionth time, Britney Jean Spears is not a fit parent? As soon as SPF learns to drive a kiddie jeep, he's strapping JJ in the back and hightailing it out of crazytown! I wouldn't be surprised if these two, Suri Cruise, and MJ's kids Prince, Paris, and Blanket are forming a 'celebrity children of lunatics' underground railroad right at this very minute. It probably makes express stops right to the Brangelina estate-- where all children are welcome. Well, only the cute ones. I bet SPF and JJ dream every night of the Brangelina kids flying in on their angel wings and delivering them from their hell on earth! Save them!!!

Do Mine Eyes Deceive Me?

2007-09-20T22:55:00.000-04:00

Is that not Angelina and Zahara I see? No? Oh! It's Mary Louise Parker and her latest import, African baby #1.

Let's be honest, I was just being complimentary when I made the Angelina comparison. MLP is a hottie, for sure, and a great actress. But she ain't no Angelina. And I'm not even a huge Ange fan these days, but MLP and her TBA-named baby look like a low rent Angelina and Zahara. No matching Valentino bags (although really, who gives a toddler Valentino!?), no oversized shades, and MLP is obvi way too fat to pass for Angelina--where are those veins, homegirl!?

Also, MLP's new baby is still wearing the clothes she came in. Silly, Mary Louise, third world babies aren't ready to wear right off the rack! You have to shine them up with designer duds, mohawks, and crocs first!

Let's hope Brangelina intervenes soon to help Mary Louise Parker step up her adoption game. We know the glamorous adoptive mommy is in there somewhere, MLP, and she's just aching to get out.

NOTE: Who else is hoping that she names the baby an 'S' or bible name to keep up with her fictional kids on 'Weeds'??? I'm pulling for 'Jezebel'!!!