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2009-10-22T15:59:00.001-04:00

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Idol thoughts, 4/21/09

2009-04-21T22:04:00.000-04:00

Lil Rounds - I am so over you. Please depart. PS- Kara, she is telling us who she is as an artist— we just don’t want to hear it.

Kris Allen - Love the vibe. Really solid performance. He’s in this to win this. Plus I love that sideways smile. I see you in the top 3, cutie!

Danny Gokey - With each passing week he reminds me more and more of Taylor Hicks (who?). And that is not a good thing. I mean, he can definitely sing, but… I think I’m going to pass on the kool-aid this time around.

Allison Iraheta - Girl can SING. She doesn’t deserve to go home yet. I liked the arrangement for the most part too.

MAH BOO ADAM LAMBERT - First of all, he was singing to me. Further, HIS VOICE IS CRAZY. His instrument is flawless. He is an AMAZING performer. Let’s just give him the #1 spot already! So inventive. So hot. Seriously, I want to put my tongue in his mouth.

Matt - (why the H is it so hard for me to remember this dude’s name?) Ok, I think the JT impersonation is what’s been hurting him in this competition. That said, he’s a fly singer. But at this point, I could part with him. Sorbs*, Matt.

Anoop - Before we go any further— that mustache? Do not want. I’d still hit it though. Why are people failing to realize that he has an amazing voice?! I liked the pseudo-Usher/Ne-Yo vibe he was rocking tonight. I don’t think we should be done with him just yet! **Sidebar— bad ending note, but I forgive you ‘Noop dog!

BEST: MAH BOO
WORST: Lil Rounds

So Many Problems...

2008-11-26T22:08:00.002-05:00

I’m catching up on this Saturday’s episode of SNL and out of curiosity, I caught Ludacris and T-Pain’s performance of the new song ‘One More Drink,’ and let me tell you, there are so many problems with it.

For starters, not 30 seconds into the song, Ludacris starts rapping about drinking and driving:

It was Friday night,

And I was feelin’ AIGHT, (Yep)

Downtown Atlanta, big city, bright lights,

Mixin’ Henny wit the Sprite,

While I’m drinkin’ and drivin’

Hmm.. Drinking and driving is one of those things for me that is not okay under any set of circumstances. And for Ludacris to rap, glorify, and essentially condone this reckless and potentially fatal behavior is completely irresponsible as a citizen and celebrity. If this were, say, 1999 and this song were released, I might be a little more forgiving, but in the year 2008 when so many people lose their lives and loved ones to drunk driving, this is simply not ok.

I should have started fast forwarding when I heard the ‘drinkin’ and drivin” line, but sadly I didn’t. As I listened more, I noticed the further horrors of this song:

So, I crept up like SHAWTY WHAT’S HAPPENIN’?,

You killin’ that dress and I love it with a passion,

Then she turned around and her face was AIGHT,

She had a gap tooth and a mean overbite,

But I was like HMMMMM!!!!…

If I take one more drink,

I’m gon’ end up f**kin’ YOUUUUUU…

…Cause’ she started lookin’ better, every shot of Patron

Yep. Essentially, this song is about having sex with a butterface. How empowering, right? It pretty much sings the praises of pounding drinks so Luda can force himself to get busy with a girl who he believes is too ugly to be worth his time. My question, then, is why is he having sex with her anyway? Luda, if you’re so good looking and amazing, why can’t you find a girl you don’t have to give yourself alcohol poisoning for to find her attractive? Stuff like this really really makes me hate people; musicians in particular. Some songs just shouldn’t be made, and this is one of them.

Sadly, this effing song is super catchy, so whether I like it or not, it’s going to be stuck in my head. I used to really like and respect Ludacris and his hustle.. But right now, he’s in the doghouse.

Who Will Be Michelle Obama?

2008-11-09T20:11:00.003-05:00

So this week I've been thinking a lot about the inevitable Barack Obama biopic. It probably won't be upon us until the end of his first term at the very least, but my mind immediately went to casting. As far as the President-Elect goes, we all know that Will Smith's got that one wrapped up; that's not even a question. But I can't help but wonder what actress would land the role of Michelle. Like I said, I've been thinking a lot about it, so here are my thoughts:

Who it shouldn't be: Anika Noni Rose, Gabrielle Union, Thandie Newton (and any other actress who's far too light-skinned to play Michelle; ie Sanaa Lathan)

I'm mostly just set on it not being Thandie Newton. She's a fine actress, but casting her as Michelle would be all wrong. I was already minorly offended by Oliver Stone's casting of her as Condoleeza Rice in 'W;' those two women look nothing alike! They tried to fudge it with weird prosthetics, but it was just really ridiculous to me considering the amount of black actresses straight up need work. Were there no other black actresses up to the job? I think not. I'd hate to see another strong black (and brown-skinned) woman get whitewashed by Hollywood on film. Anika Noni Rose is also a capable actress, but she's far too short to pull of Michelle who is not only tall, but also a commanding presence. At around 5' even, Anika wouldn't cut it. I love Gabby Union, and so far she's the best match physically, but I don't think she has the acting chops to pull it off.

Who will get completely overlooked: Nia Long, Kimberly Elise, Nona Gaye

All three of these ladies are great actors, but with the exception of Nia Long, none of them have the star power to pull much support for this role. Kimberly has the most going for her physically, as she would probably embody Michelle the best, but unfortunately, these ladies won't be considered much for this role, if at all.

Who will probably be on the short list: Kerry Washington, Angela Bassett, Halle Berry, Jada Pinkett Smith

Some of these ladies on this list will probably get more consideration than others.. Angela Bassett is automatically out, because by the time the film gets made, she'll be way too old to play Michelle. I already know she's going to be upset about that one. I love Halle Berry, but she's not right for the part. But of course she'll be part of the conversation because of her good friend Oscar. Kerry Washington definitely has the acting skills to pull this one off, but physically she's all wrong. She's too slight for the role. Jada will only be on the list because her husband's going to be playing Barack, but we all know that's not going to happen.

Who it will probably come down to: Regina King

Regina King is the perfect age and skin tone to play Michelle. She's still a little too short, but that's nothing that some sky high heels can't fix. The thing that really makes her ideal is her realness and the quality of her voice and speech. I could see her doing wonders as Michelle. She has the same fierceness and strong sense of self that Michelle possesses. I imagine she would be great at showing the depth of Michelle as wife, mother, and first lady. I can also see her doing well alongside Will Smith.

Who it should be: SHARON LEAL

Most of you may not be familiar Sharon Leal. She's originally a Broadway girl; she played Mimi in RENT. She was also in Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married, Dreamgirls, and Soul Men with Bernie Mac and Samuel L. Jackson. I think Sharon would be perfect for the role because she is stunning and beautiful, the same color as Michelle, and not so famous that her presence would be a distraction from seeing the character come through which is something I could see being a slight problem with a Regina King. Sharon is the right height (yay!), and in my head I can already see her as Michelle. She's a great actor, and she too would look amazing next to Will Smith.

Can't wait to see how this plays out in 8 years or so.

If Sarah Palin Were Black

2008-10-03T12:19:00.000-04:00

Sarah Palin's Alaskan accent is seen as endearing, even though she pronounces a lot of words incorrectly by 'main street' standards. For Palin, 'feel' becomes 'fill;' 'America' becomes 'Amurrica;' 'you' becomes 'ya;' and I'm nearly positive the word is 'nuclear.'

I wouldn't be bothered by Palin's 'folksy,' down home dialect, except for the fact that if Sarah Palin were Black, Latina, or anything else besides white, there is no doubt that her 'funny accent' would work to her detriment in her Vice Presidential campaign.

Yes, Senator Barack Obama's speech has a slight south side Chicago lilt, but as African-Americans, both he and his wife are held to a higher, if unwritten, standard of speech.

Palin can get away with terms like 'Joe six pack' in a formal debate, but were Obama to say 'My brothas on the streets,' or something else to assert kinship or solidarity with African-American men, it would be front page news.

Imagine if instead of 'Hey, can I call ya Joe?' we heard 'Yo, can I call ya Joe?' Both are regional dialects in this country, but only one is considered endearing and indicative of one's American-ness in the public political forum.

Once again, America has treated Sarah Palin with an unprecedented respect. First, with her teenage daughter's pregnancy, which no doubt would have been the end of the Obama campaign were the shoe on the other foot. And now, with her deviation from 'standard English,' she's classified as 'folksy' and 'down home,' when it is easy to assume that were someone in the Obama campaign saying things like 'Nah'm sayin', nah mean?' and 'Ya feel me?' in debates and interviews, it would most certainly be a problem.

Poor Vivienne

2008-07-13T10:42:00.004-04:00

You tell me what's wrong with this list: Maddox, Zahara, Pax, Shiloh, Knox, and....Vivienne.

For starters, congratulations to American royalty Saint Angelina Jolie and Friar Brad Pitt on the birth of their fifth and sixth children, Knox Leon Jolie Pitt (a boy), and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie Pitt (a girl). They were born in Nice, France on Saturday via c-section.

There's no doubt those twinsies are already living a life of privilege most of us will never know, but I do feel sorry for one of them.

Poor little Vivienne Marcheline. Not only is she at the tail end of a long road of kid-collecting from her incredibly famous parents, but she got the short end of the stick as far as cool names are concerned. Maddox, Pax, Zahara, and Knox all sound like super awesome, butt-kicking action heroes. Vivienne sounds like a southern belle who wouldn't dare step out into the sun for fear of getting a freckle.

Four out of the six kids have an 'X' in their name for crying out loud! Where the heck did 'Vivienne' come from?! I understand the middle name, "Marcheline;" that's after Angelina's late mother. But couldn't they have thrown an 'x' in there to make little Vivienne feel better about herself? Something like Vixvienne? That has a nice ring to it. It also sets her up nicely to follow in mommy's light bondage footsteps.

Homegirl doesn't even get a cool nickname! I've heard Angie refer to Maddox as 'Mad' and Zahara as 'Z.' Pax and Knox don't require nicknames, their names are already legendary on their own. But what does Vivienne get? Viv? Vi? Poor little thing. And to top it all off...she's white. And you know that whiteness does not fare well in the Jolie-Pitt house. She's going to be a normal-named, neglected little blob. Someone call child protective services, stat!

That said, she is one of the 3 chosen ones who hit the genetic jackpot, and she'll probably be the hottest of the Jolie-Pitt clan. So while the other 5 are out being badass, she'll be out somewhere stopping traffic.

Make me proud, Viv.

Brangelina, Brangelina, Brangelina, Brangelina....

2008-07-10T01:06:00.003-04:00

Apparently as part of the bidding war for the Jolie-Pitt golden twins who have yet to be born, Angelina Jolie is insisting that whatever magazine chooses to pay for rights to the pictures stop referring to her and her ‘partner’ Brad Pitt as ‘Brangelina.’

Stopping one magazine from using ‘Brangelina’ isn’t going to stop Michael K, Perez, any of the blogs, or any of the other unlucky magazines from using it forever! You see what happened with J.Lo— I mean Jennifer Lopez. J.Lo will always be with her.

And seriously, Ange? Brangelina isn’t a bad name. Like at all. I would say that things like ‘Drunkst,’ ‘Sluttyienna,’ ‘Wino,’ ‘My Little Pony Parker,’ and ‘Fugs & Jugs’ rank a little higher on the horrible names list than Brangelina. Come on, after Bennifer, Brangelina is like the OG blended name! You should be proud!

And I will have a serious problem if any magazine (People, I’m talking to you) actually shells out $16 million for a picture of two wrinkly infants. Golden twins or no, that is excessive.

Can’t wait to see how this all goes down.

Losing My Cell Phone/Losing My Mind

2008-06-03T23:04:00.007-04:00

Everyone knows that my cell phone and I are as attached as these two ladies. Basically, my beloved cell phone is an extension of me. That said, on Saturday, May 31st, something really bad happened to me.

But this story doesn't start with Saturday. It started months ago when my mom and I were enjoying dinner at Burgers & Cupcakes in NYC. As we sat there talking, a group of young, happy people walked jovially out of the restaurant. One girl was just so happy to be alive, without a care in the world. She was so happy, in fact, that she dropped her jacket without noticing and continued to trot out of B&C. I got up, picked up the jacket, and called after the trotting ball of happiness. I had to shout "Miss!" about 7 times before she noticed I was calling her name. She was just that caught up in her happiness.. That girl was so happy that she lost something.

After that happened, I realized that that very experience was the exact reason why I feel anxious when everything is going right in my life. I'm always afraid that I will get too happy and like that girl, I will drop my proverbial jacket and something bad will happen. Last week, however, I finally decided that I was going to stop living in fear of 'dropping my jacket' and enjoy life. I was going to allow myself to be happy, and trust that nothing bad would happen.

Bad move. Back to my phone.

Saturday morning, at 6:30am, I grabbed my carefully and thoughtfully packed carry-on, my purse, and my cell phone, and crept out of my apartment so as not to wake my roommate. It only took me about a minute to hail a yellow cab, bit I should have known that the day was going to be bad the moment I banged the side of my head right on the door of the cab on my way in... Instead, I wiped the tears eyes and returned to my jovial mood.

During the cab ride to LaGuardia, I took a moment to further organize my purse before braving airport security, and even dabbed a little make-up on my face so I wouldn't feel like a total zombie. We reached LGA and I paid the cab driver, grabbed my bags, and walked into the airport. After I completed my self check-in, I dug into my purse to feel around for my cell phone. I reached into the pocket where I usually keep my baby, and it wasn't there. I then emptied the contents of my (extremely large) purse onto the airport floor, and I still didn't find my cell phone. I realize then that I must have left my darling cellie in the cab that has long since driven off. The horror!!!!!

At this point, I'm not panicking. I walk up to an airport employee, and he suggests that I go to the airport's taxi stand outside, and that they will help me track down my phone. I book it down to the taxi stand, and when I tell the guy working at the stand what's going on, he starts asking me all of these questions like when and where I was picked up, when and where I was dropped off, what kind of phone it is, and what the cab driver looked like. Homeboy is taking notes the entire time, and when he's done he tells me to call the Taxi company at '311' and tell them everything he's told me. Ummm...WTF!!??!?! Why did I just spend all that time telling you the information?!?!?! Homeboy didn't even have a radio or a phone to relay all of this information I'd given him. I have no idea why he was asking me all of that if he wasn't going to do anything with the information!!!!!!!!

After this I'm sad, angry, coughing up sputum into a napkin (from the bronchitis!), and pretty sure my brain is swelling after the hard hit in the cab. There's nothing I can do except for go through security and try to call the number he gave me once I'm sure I'll make my flight.

But then another problem occurs to me. I don't have a ride from the airport once I reach Chicago. I'd spoken to both my cousins Justin and Austin the day before over text, asking them for a ride, and letting him know my flight # and when it got in, but I hadn't had a chance to touch base with him that morning to double check who, if anyone, would be able to pick me up, let them know where I'd be, and coordinate with them where I should wait. Without a phone and without anyone's phone number I was pretty much up a creek, so I started to freak out a bit.

I came up with a plan. I would find a pay phone (gross), call my dad, and tell him to pass a message along to Justin. My dad always gets up super early on Sunday mornings to get ready for church and walk the dog, so I just knew he would pick up. I put my dollar (YES, pay phones cost $1 apparently) into the phone, dialed my dad's number, and when I heard his voice mail kick in, I just started to cry. I left a barely intelligible, very pathetic sounding message letting him know the situation and to tell my cousin Justin (who I was pretty sure was picking me up) all of my flight information.

The concussion helped me sleep on the flight, and I didn't really start to get really freaked out until I landed in Chicago. Everyone knows how hectic it is to try to find a ride at a major airport when you have a cell phone. So now imagine that you're without a phone with no idea who is picking you up, what kind of vehicle they're in, or if they're even coming! Traumatic!!!!

Since I called my dad from a pay phone and was without a phone myself, I had no idea whether he'd contacted my cousin or if he'd even gotten my message. When I walked to the baggage claim area for my flight and saw no one I recognized, I started to panic again. I decided that I'd have to get back to work on the pay phone. Before I could do that, I had to stop at one of the airport's newsstands to load up on change. This was a truly emotionally devastating experience for me.

After getting the change (which I had to pay 2 dollars for, fyi!), I got on the pay phone again, calling my dad, my sister Rachel, my mom, and my grandma. Not a one of those negroes answered their phones!!!

With each passing dollar and voice mail message, I started to get more and more defeated and irate. I started saying fatalistic things like "I'm running out of change," "I don't know if anyone's going to get this message," "This is my last phone call," and "I'm really freaking out." In hindsight, I was probably being just a tad bit dramatic. I mean, people were staring at me. Once I did get someone on the phone (my sister Rachel), I started screaming at the top of my mucus-filled lungs because I found out that after getting my first message, my dad had only text messaged my cousin!!! I screamed: "HE SENT A TEXT MESSAGE?!!!? I'M STRANDED IN THE AIRPORT AND ALL HE SENT WAS A TEXT MESSAGE!??!? I AM GOING TO MURDER HIM!!!" This was definitely not a hit with my fellow fliers, let me tell you.

After countless less-than-productive phone conversations, and one semi-productive one (that the operator cut short...that skank), I found out that my cousin was, in fact, on his way. He was running late, but he was coming for me. My stint on Chicago O'Hare Survivor Island would come to a close shortly. On my last call before I ran out of change, I told my sister to let him know exactly where I would be outside. Shortly thereafter, my cousins Justin and Austin pulled up and my legs nearly gave out, I was so excited.

Unfortunately, me being retrieved from the airport is the only happy ending this story has. After hundreds of calls put in to my phone (which I kept on for about a day and a half hoping the person who had it would try to call someone in my phone book and return it), I gave up hope and had my service temporarily disconnected. Monday, I walked into an AT&T store and purchased a brand new Blackjack II. Thankfully, I had an upgrade, so the phone didn't cost nearly as much as it could have, but it was definitely hard accepting that all of my contacts, pictures, files, and most of all my baby that has been through SO MUCH without crapping out on me were gone.

So please, for the love of all that is good and holy, send me your number. Because every time I look into the eyes of my new and empty (although beautiful and infinitely awesome) blackjack II, I die a little bit inside.

Did the 'Sex and the City' Movie Deliver?

2008-05-30T13:24:00.003-04:00

Last night, I caught a midnight showing of the new Sex and the City movie. Obviously, **SPOILER ALERT** for anyone who hasn't seen the movie yet and doesn't want anything revealed. Don't say I didn't warn you.

So overall, the movie was pretty enjoyable, but it definitely had its of flaws. It definitely delivered a lot of what hard core SATC fans were expecting, but not much else. For the most part it was a totally watered down version of the Sex and the City show I fell in love with. For starters, there was just too much monogamy going on! All of the girls are in these for the most part sexless relationships, and that just is not like them! Every single one of them, including the usually-sex crazed Samantha, were nesting and playing house. That, combined with the very conspicuously larger hips and waists of the fantastic four, proved that maybe they did wait too long to come out with the movie. I came for the girls, and all I got was four old married chicks. I just don’t get it. How can you put out a movie called ‘Sex and the City’ without any sex?! They tried to supplement the sexlessness of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha’s relationships by sporadically going back to Samantha’s randy neighbor, but it just was not the same.

While the movie was light on the sex, it was definitely heavy on the camp. Now I like camp. I really do. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is my favorite show, for goodness sake. But the SATC movie was a little too camptastic for me. Take the whole Charlotte going 'Poughkeepsie in her pants,' for instance. Charlotte York Goldenblatt would never, ever poo her pants! Ever! That whole pudding/poo plot point I could definitely have done without. Actually, the whole Mexico thing was just too ridiculous for me too. The show and film are named SEX AND THE CITY!!! So why leave the city!? Especially when all along the actors and creators have often called New York City the fifth character on the show?

And don't. even. get. me. started. on Carrie's hair!!! I don't understand why after all of the blatant nostalgia in the film (Carrie's wardrobe retrospective fashion show for the girls--brills!), they made the less-than-wise decision to give lovely, bubbly, blonde Carrie mousy brown hair for the majority of the movie! NO! I understand why a jilted Carrie would want to change her hair, but a) that wig was NOT doing it for me and b) it just reminded me too much of Sarah Jessica Parker 'the movie star,' and not Carrie Bradshaw. There were a few moments when I could have sworn I was watching 'The Family Stone.' Needless to say, that is not good.

Also, what happened to the FASHION!? Why did most of the clothes look like 1980s couture? Granted, Carrie’s rocked those slammin’ Christian Dior pumps and Charlotte’s bridesmaid’s dress was gorgeous, but nearly everything Miranda and Samantha wore were straight out of shoulder pad hell. Pat Field, you dropped the ball on this one!

For the most part, I didn't have too many issues with the storyline. Oh wait... I did. Let's make this short and sweet.

Jennifer Hudson and her whole St. Louis/Saint Louise storyline sucked.

Why did Samantha break up with Smith!? STUPID! Smith was the one man that was meaningful enough for Samantha to be faithful. Did the writer(s) forget that Smith was the one man who actually understood and loved Samantha for who she is? That Smith would never allow Samantha to lose herself in him or their relationship. And Smith would never 'work late' on Valentine's Day. Remember when he flew home all the way from a shoot in Canada just for her? So out of character for both of them.

What the EFF happened to Carrie?! Whose bright idea was it to have a broken, damaged, Meredith Grey version of Carrie for the majority of the movie!? That is not the Carrie we know and love!! Carrie is strong. She would never agree to marry a man who humiliated her and destroyed her trust like John "Mr. Big" Preston aka Major Douche Bag did. Am I the only one who feels this way???? I wish I would marry a dude who left me at the altar! Big’s lucky that all Carrie did was give him a floral beat down.

All of that said, there were definitely some fun and awesome moments in the movie too:

Anything having to do with Cynthia Nixon. That woman is amazing. She’s a lovely actress, and I really like how Miranda didn’t let Steve off the hook. Also her ‘let’s just get it over with!’ was SO Miranda and so funny.

Pretty much all of the scenes with just the four ladies. Carrie’ ‘mexicoma’ joke was a glimpse of the show I love, and Samantha showing up with not one, but two bottles of champagne was really cute.

Carrie stepping into her (and everyone else’s) dream New York apartment. Her cute “hello, I live here” as she walked through the apartment.

I think that at the end of it all, the movie’s going to make a ton of money, and all of the hard-core, Cosmo-swilling, ‘I came to New York for labels and love,’ Carrie Bradshaw wannabes in New York and everywhere else will enjoy it. My sister Mariah said it best: “I’m a sucker for love and closure,” and at the end of the day, so am I. That’s why I think the Sex and the City movie is probably the best it could have possibly been, and I’m okay with that.

I Guess E! Gives Anyone a Show These Days

2008-05-26T23:51:00.004-04:00

Tonight I caught the series premieres of Living Lohan and Denise Richards: It's Complicated. It's actually not all that complicated. Neither Denise Richards nor Dina Lohan live on the planet earth anymore. Instead, both ladies reside on Mars or wherever else it's deemed acceptable to lead the lives they do.

Let's start with Denise. Unfortunately, Denise's looks are about the prettiest things about her. She's pretty shallow, doesn't seem to be a very attentive mom (she's got 10 dogs, 3 cats, and 3 pigs to care about!), and her only concern is bashing her ex(es) on national television. She's making it oh-so-easy to side with Charlie Sheen as far as the 'he said, she said' goes. Denise keeps saying that she's "not just the Bond girl" or "not just the girl from Wild Things." If you're not that girl, Denise, then why do you keep bringing it up???? The only redeeming moment of the entire vapid, senseless, un-entertaining episode was the tender moment Denise shared with her father who recently moved in after the death of her mother. It's obvious that Denise cares a lot about her family, but boy does homegirl curse like a sailor!

Now onto the Lohans! I knew I didn't want to go on a 'Lohan Holiday!' Those people are CRAZY! Talk about bad parenting! Dina Lohan left her 14-year-old daughter and 11-year-old son at home alone with a 25-year-old stranger who she met ONLINE! Dina, what are you thinking?! Oh wait, she's not. She spends every waking moment either online reading PerezHilton or at her kitchen table reading tabloids. She even calls home when she's out running errands and has her assistant scour the internet for stories about her. Here's a tip: why don't you try not reading it at all! You know what they say; 'garbage in, garbage out!'

And don't worry, I'll be taking my own advice and trying not to watch these trainwreck reality shows for the rest of the season.

I think the biggest culprits in all of this are Ryan Seacrest and the E! channel. They're the ones that saw fit for this drivel to infiltrate my life. They know that I'll watch anything, and this is just punishment for my television promiscuity! What I don't understand is how they've tried to make the entire Living Lohan show about Lindsay without ever having anything more than a mantel photo of her on the show. Can you say grabbing at straws!? Ugh. I am disgusted with them, and I'm disgusted with myself for watching tonight, knowing that I'm going to watch next week, and writing about it right now.

Hold me.

David Archuleta is a Dead Man*

2008-05-21T23:53:00.004-04:00

Poor, poor David Archuleta. That boy has a voice of pure gold, but apparently it wasn't enough to take down David Cook in tonight's 'American Idol' season finale. I feel bad for him, and not only because he didn't win; I mostly feel bad for Archuleta because, well, he's dead now.

I hate to say it, but the little 17-year-old singing sensation is probably being bludgeoned to death by his father as we speak. You see, little David may sing like an angel, but his dad is the ultimate stage dad. David's father, Jeff Archuleta, was recently banned from all rehearsals, recording sessions, and anything having to do with the behind the scenes portion of Idol because of his horrible and often intimidating behavior.

Apparently, this isn't the first time that Jeff's been a douche bag when it comes to David's singing career. This man allegedly made a habit of harassing children when David was a contestant on Star Search back in 2003. Children!! He also just cost Idol tons of cash when he coerced his David-bot into singing a few bars of Sean Kingston's 'Beautiful Girls' when he sang 'Stand By Me' on the show. Poor little David was obviously too scared to stand up to daddy, so he did it, and AI had to pay up!

David's dad wants his son to win, and he wants him to win bad. He's on a mission to become the next Matthew Knowles/Papa Joe/Jamie Spears and get on the payroll of his money-making child so he can retire at 40. I see it in his eyes.

Did anyone ever ask how David got that 'vocal paralysis' when he was younger in the first place? I think dear old Dad socked him one in the throat after a particularly bad rehearsal session. Poor David. Someone needs to call child protective services or the Jolie-Pitts ASAP and get him out of there. I bet if you cut together all of his Idol performances from the entire season and played them backwards, you'd hear something like "HELP ME! SERIOUSLY, HELP! MY DAD'S GONNA MURDER ME IF I DON'T WIN!" Seriously, America, if your lack of votes sent this musical genius and teen cutie to an early grave I will never forgive you!!! Jeff Archuleta promised David to me on his 18th birthday, and if he doesn't live to see that day, well, I'll be pissed.

RIP Archuleta. Rest in peace.

*Yes, I fully realize that I may have mistakenly used the word 'man' in an inappropriate context. Deal with it.

Brangelina's Having Twins. Stop it.

2008-05-14T22:36:00.005-04:00

Why is it that every celebrity mom has twins!? Jennifer Lopez, Julia Roberts, Marcia Cross, and now Angelina Jolie?! I find it really hard to believe that twins just happen to run in all of their families. Me think there is a bit of an in vitro epidemic going on in Hollywood. Sorry ladies, but in vitro shouldn't be the first alternative just cause you're too skinny to get pregnant on your own. But back to Angie.

If you're keeping score at home, these wonder twins bring the Brangelina total to a whopping 6 kids, all under the age of eight. Are Brad and Angelina insane? They are two kids away from their own TLC show about how they drive a 15-passenger van and buy all of their groceries at Sam's.

Honestly, I get that they're trying to 'help people' and all, but when you're taking a kid from an orphanage and putting them in another, it starts to get a little ridiculous. I wonder what their house looks like. I bet the kids have just one huge room with just rows and rows of beds waiting for the next kids they buy/kidnap/make in a test tube. Seriously, Angelina is starting to remind me of Miss Clavel from 'Madeline.' I bet she makes all of the kiddies wear matching dresses and hats... Even the boys. She's kinky like that. Actually, scratch that. Angelina strikes me more as a Miss Hannigan from 'Annie.' She's probably got Pax and Maddox bringing her drinks with umbrellas in them while Shiloh and Zahara use their baby fingers to rub her toes the way she likes it.

Brangelina's enjoying the whole kid collecting thing now, but they're going to be singing a different tune when they've got 15 little Lohans and Brody Jenners running a meth lab out of their garage and getting knocked up at 16. Seriously, little Hollywood kids never turn out well, and now Brangelina's creating them by the dozen. So Brad, Angie; you can stop now. We get it. You guys like kids. That's cute. Really freaking cute. But have or buy another kid and I will personally cut you myself. That said, little thing one and thing two are probs going to be totes gorge.

I'm jealous.

When did Monday become the hottest night on television!?!?

2008-05-13T00:49:00.005-04:00

Oh what a night! I can’t remember a Monday night of TV this entertaining in forever! First off, thank the lord for DVR, for without which I would have missed a lot of it. So let’s do a quick recap. Holy son of a married couple, there were a lot of shows on tonight! Tonight I caught How I Met Your Mother, Samantha Who?, Gossip Girl, Medium, and House. All of which were pretty darn amazing! Let’s start at the bottom and work our way up, shall we?And in case you’re an idiot *SPOILER ALERT!* there will probably be spoilers below. Read at your own risk.

How I Met Your Mother
This is probably the first (and last) time this show will be on the bottom of any list as far as I’m concerned. It’s only here by virtue of the fact that House gave me chills and set a pretty high bar. That, and the fact that Britney Spears was a giant suckhole of suck in the episode, thus preventing it from reaching its full awesomeness potential.

best moment: I feel like every minute of HIMYM is the best moment, but I particularly loved anything having to do with Ted’s red cowboy boots and i’m “pulling. them. off.”

Gossip Girl
GG definitely had big shoes to fill with last week’s ‘OMFG moment’-filled episode. I have to say, they definitely resolved the whole ‘Serena killed someone’ storyline WAY too fast for my liking. It was really great to see Chuck, Nate, and Blair rally around S in her time of need. It was also pretty awesome to see Lily and Rufus finally lock lips again, and thrillingly awesome to see just how scary manipulative Georgina is willing to get in order to ruin Serena’s life. I do think the whole “I killed someone” was totes dramatic on S’s part. She didn’t kill that guy!! If anything, she tried to save his life! Plus he semi-tried to rape her, so I think she gets a pass. Overall, a good episode, but not nearly as good as the anticipation from the past week.

best moment: Chuck’s perfectly delivered line “I’m Chuck Bass.” Check it out here!

Samantha Who?
There’s something about Samantha Who that just really appeals to my sense of humor. It’s got an absurdist quality to it, but at its core it’s rooted in reality. At least as real as possible when you’re dealing with an amnesia storyline! The one-liners on that show are brilliant, and the cast is really great; Jean Smart, Christina Applegate, and Jennifer Esposito really shine. I hadn’t seen the episode before this one, but I was really happy to see Sam and Todd getting real about their relationship, but not throwing it away either. Plus, all of the scenes with Chloe were pretty hilarious.

best moment: When Chloe opened the closet and Todd dove out of her sight. I cackled!

Medium
I’ve only recently gotten into Medium, but this show delivers the best of both worlds in my opinion. I’m a Sci-Fi lite girl, so the whole psychic thing is really cool. It’s sort of like Buffy meets Law & Order, but light on the Buffy. Patricia Arquette is really great, and they do a great job creeping the crap out of me! So glad I finally started watching this show regularly, and can’t wait to see what they come up with next.

best moment: “Don’t they know they have kids?!” The family dynamic on that show is so realistic, and I loved the little kids only conversation we got to see at the end of the episode.

HOUSE
Talk about OMFG!! Part of the reason I am writing this right now is because I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep after tonight’s episode of House. It goes without saying that Hugh Laurie is deeply talented. That man was made to play this role and it’s a joy to watch. Tonight, we caught up with House as he was looking pretty out of it in a strip club. Turns out he’d been in a terrible bus accident and had retrograde amnesia. The catch is that he remembered seeing a symptom and realizing that someone was going to die before he lost his memory, but now he can’t remember who, what, why, when, or how. Most of the episode is spent in the depths of House’s mind as he tries to diagnose the driver of the bus, who he (and everyone else) thinks is the mystery patient. At the end of the episode after a series of creepy/sexy hallucinations (and one scary, PTSD-inducing bus crash scene), a near-death House realizes that it’s Amber (also known as “CTB” or cutthroat bitch) that’s going to die; and it’s not a result of the accident. I don’t know about you, but after seeing the preview for next week’s episode, I am on pins and needles!

best moment: Cuddy’s diagnostic pole dance in the schoolgirl uniform. Lisa Edelstein definitely hit the gym before that one! Priceless that House chose diagnosing a patient’s symptoms over a topless sex fantasy. That is definitely dedication.

See, I told you TV tonight was crazy! Can’t wait for next Monday night!!

"I'm Chuck Bass."

2008-05-12T16:47:00.004-04:00

As if I needed more proof that I am going to love tonight's episode of 'Gossip Girl' more than I love life itself! This clip just came along and proved me very, very right. Here's a teaser scene from tonight's episode. It brings the drama and most importantly, it brings the Chuck Bass humor and smarm that I love so very much. Ed Westwick is just perfect in this role; he's the most loveable jerfaced douche bag this side of Spencer Pratt. Check out the clip! Can't wait to discuss tonight's episode!

Creepy Creeperton

2008-01-26T20:16:00.001-05:00

I think I'm sick. Like mentally ill. Because I have had two very major cases of mistaken identity twice in the past month. For some reason these days, I can't seem to tell anyone apart. Say, for example, I see my sister Rachel in the street-- I see her face, recognize that I know her, but my mind tells me it's Mariah (my other sister). Okay that was a crappy example, but you get the point.

So today, I'm on my way home from an early AM audition and I have to take the N train. I have on heels so I uncharacteristically decide to sit on the bench to wait for the train. As I approach the seats, I see a round-ish, about 40-year-old Creepy Creeperton man in a green coat and green pants (a uniform of some sort?). He's carrying a backpack and he looks up and smiles at me. It's then that I realize that I know him, but I'm not sure from where. Being polite, I smile (a real one, which is really hard to get out of me), wave, and say "oh hi!" and sit down. I'm pretty positive he's one of the security guards in my office building or at our edit facility.

After I sit down, he says 'Hello beautiful," in this low-talking creeper voice and asks me what I'm up to. I tell him that I just came from an audition and respond "how about you?" He says "well I just got a haircut," and takes off his hat to show me. Again, trying to be polite, I say "it looks really great." Keep in mind that all the while I'm smiling and being cordial because it's the nice thing to do.

He then asks me, "So do you work around here?" Now this is the moment where I start to panic a little bit. You see, I thought I knew homeboy from my office building, but if he's asking if I work in the NYU area, that's obviously not the case. Could I be talking to a stranger??? Red flag.

I'm still not sure, so we keep talking and our conversation goes a bit like this:

Him: So what do you do?
Me: I work in television.
Him: Cool. You know what other profession you should do?
Me: [pause] Uh, what?
Him: Modeling.
Me: [Hysterically laughing] Uh, yeah right. Thank you, but no. Just no.
Him: I'm serious!
Me: Yeah, okay.

At this point, the train arrives, so I stand up, thankful to get out of this awkward (potentially dangerous?) situation. He also stands and says:

Him: Are you going far?
Me: [realizing that I'm talking to a complete stranger] No.
Him: I don't mean you any harm. Would you like to ride together and talk?
Me: [completely terrified, but not wanting to hurt his feelings] Uh, okay?

So we get on the train, and I sit in a seat with no open seats around it, cross my arms and close my eyes to signal to him that I really don't want to talk any further. But Creeper doesn't take a hint. He stands above me and starts muttering things I just plain can't understand. What I do get from the psycho-muttering is that he's getting off in a few stops at 34th street. 'Thank GOD!' I think to myself. I pretty much stop responding to his conversation and he finally starts busying himself with writing something down. Finally, we reach 34th street and as he's getting off of the train, he hands me a note (see above) which says:

Mike Warren
Columbia University Public Safety
212-xxx-xxxx
Please call me
Beautiful
Lady
Good Luck Lauren

As he hands me the note, he says "Please, please, please, please call me, Lauren. Call me up if you ever want a tour of Columbia."

SOOOOO CREEPY, guys. Super creepy McGee. I don't even know how to describe the fear and self-loathing I felt when I fully realized that I'd fabricated an entire relationship with this (possibly homeless) person in my mind.

Is this a real disorder? Like am I coming down with something? The last time I mistook someone for someone else was pretty catastrophic too. This can't, simply can not keep happening to me or I'll end up fictionalized on Law & Order: SVU. From now on, I'm operating on a very strict no-stranger policy. Unless you call me by first, middle, and last name and recite the last four digits of my social security number, I simply will not acknowledge you in the street. Period. If I want to live, it has to happen.

Heath Ledger Found Dead

2008-01-22T17:24:00.000-05:00

As you've probably heard, actor Heath Ledger of Brokeback Mountain and 10 Things I Hate About You fame has been found dead in his SoHo apartment. The details are still quite shady, but what we know so far is that at around 3:30pm on Tuesday a masseuse and housekeeper found Heath unresponsive in his bedroom. After unsuccessful attempts to wake him, they called 911 and after multiple CPR attempts, the actor was pronounced dead. Reports also say that some unidentified pills were found near Ledger's body.

Unfortunately, this is the result of nothing but hard living. It's hard to say now whether the 'overdose' being reported was intentional or accidental, but it's clear that the Hollywood lifestyle is starting to claim too many lives, too fast. Even the Britneys and Amy Winehouses of the 'hood have lost their lives; if not literally, figuratively. Hopefully Heath's death won't be in vain and it will serve as a warning/wake-up call to his peers to wise up and slow down.

And maybe it's just me, but I don't know how good I feel about Dark Knight being released any time soon. I realize that the film's already been shot, Heath's wearing make-up, and all of those things, but have we no shame? Is our desire to see what's sure to be a great film greater than our respect for a grieving family? I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Heath Ledger: 1979-2008.

Update: Sources are saying that the apartment Heath was found in is owned by Mary-Kate Olsen. WTF?!

Baby Mania

2008-01-16T11:25:00.000-05:00

Take a look at this list right here, and tell me what you see:

Matthew McConaughey, Jessica Alba, Nicole Richie, David Spade, Jodie Sweetin, Alessandra Ambrosio, Jessica Sierra, Jamie Lynn Spears, Jennifer Lopez, Nicole Kidman, Britney Spears, and Halle Berry.

No, that isn't a list of people planning to get high behind the middle school later, it's a list of people who are set to become parents in the next 9 months. Yes, that's right all of the above people were Hollywood delinquents or scandals at one time or another and they're all about to be parents. The horror.

Have all of the condoms and contraceptives in the world staged a mass exodus from Hollywood? Is there super sperm in the water? Scratch that, celebs don't drink tap water. They're probably adding a double shot of fertility in with everyone's lattes and frapps at Starbucks. Someone stop the madness! Tyra, Dr. Phil, anyone! Someone hit Robertson armed with rubber gloves and craft scissors and get to snipping! There is no way this planet will be safe with the spawns of Matthew McConaughey and David Spade among others roaming around high and shirtless.

The world ain't safe! I'm telling you, this is not going to end well. Either these kids are going to band together and put Casey Worthington to shame or Brangelina's brood is about to get twelve kids deeper.

A word to the wise: If you live in the Western portion of this country, run. Run for your life. It's about to get ugly! Don't say I didn't warn you.

Blohan Slips Up

2008-01-03T14:46:00.003-05:00

Well that didn't take long, did it?!

TMZ has some pretty clear-cut footage of Lindsay Lohan slipping up on her so-called 'sobriety.' It's a pretty clear shot of LiLo sipping the good stuff straight from the bottle. Trainwrecks can only be good girls for so long, and it looks like Linds' trainwreck status is back in full effect. Do I see another trip to rehab in her future? Let's hope so.

It gives me great joy to think that TMZ may have captured the very first sip of a long downward spiral in Ms. Lohan's life. Someone give those guys a raise!!!

It's gonna be a happy new year!

UPDATE: TMZ received word from Lindsay's lawyers who said: "The good news was that Lindsay stopped herself that night, called her sponsor, and got herself immediately back on track. There is no magic cure here. The most unfortunate part of this is that Lindsay has to share her 'one day at a time' with the entire world." That's not good news! No, no, no! No back on track, no 'one day at a time,' only passing out in SamRon's car at 2am! Come back to us, Lindsay of yore, we miss you!

Jamie Lynn Spears: One Dumb B*tch

2007-12-19T13:15:00.000-05:00

Excuse my language, but seriously, the Spears family has gone too far. Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, is pregnant. As if her sister's sad and pathetic state wasn't warning enough, Jamie Lynn went out and got herself knocked up at sixteen years old. Seriously, is this some massive and elaborately staged prank? Has the past year been the Spears' family's way of saying 'GOTCHA!' to the world? Because I think I would believe that faster than I would believe the events of the past year. Jamie Lynn's pregnancy is the icing in the trainwreck cake!

The facts are these. Jamie Lynn Spears, soon-to-be former star of the hit Nickelodeon show, 'Zoey 101' is knocked up. The baby daddy is her live-in 19-year-old average Joe boyfriend Casey Aldridge who she met, wait for it, at church!

My question is this: Who in the backwoods, redneck hell taught Jamie and Lynn Spears how to be parents??? Did they do their mommy and me classes in a meth lab? WTF is wrong with their kids? Their children make me ashamed to be a human being! Honestly! I am ashamed to be a person because of the Spears girls' unbelievable behavior. And to top it off, Mama Spears took little Jamie Lynn to see 'Juno' this Monday in NYC! 'Juno' of all movies! Someone take mama and pop-pop out back and eliminate them from the gene pool. Please!

Anyway, depending on who you ask, Jamie Lynn is either 3 or 5 months into this pregnancy, and in classic Spears style, she's already whoring out her kid for cash. She's currently on the cover of 'OK' Magazine and once the baby's born she'll receive $1 million for a photo shoot. She's going to need it because her 'career' is over. Nickelodeon doesn't do 'knocked up,' sweetie! You's a Lifetime ho now! Goodbye Zoey 101, Hello Sixteen and Pregnant!

This is a sad, sad day. I think that all of us carried a little torch of hope that the Spears crazy was confined to Britney and that little Jamie Lynn would be our chance for a brighter future. It is my sad duty, my friends, to let you know that that torch has gone out. Turns out Jamie Lynn is just another pill poppin', booze swillin', boy bangin' trainwreck just like her big sis. Ain't family grand, ya'all?!

Wait, Why Is This Chick Famous Again?

2007-11-10T11:53:00.000-05:00

Britney Jean Spears. Is there anything you can do right? Someone (a genius) has leaked an audio clip of Britney's live, unaltered voice to the internets. It's audio from a Brit concert in 2001 and boy is it a treat! I have never heard singing this bad before-- and I've watched nearly every season of American Idol. Seriously William Hung has better chops than BS! Homegirl is panting, screeching, and what sounds like belching her way through her greatest hits! She has no ability to perform live, which leads me into my next question...

Why oh why is she even famous in the first place? I mean I get it now; who can resist the beautiful train wreck she has become. But why did she get so big to being with? You can't even call what she does in this clip 'singing,' and once she stopped being able to dance she really doesn't have anything else to offer except for an after picture of what happens when you drink 3 frappaccinos a day.

Speaking of people who shouldn't be famous... Let's just lay it all out there right now. Let's call it Lauren's List of Losers. Yes, that has a nice ring to it.

Here they are, in no particular order, the Hollyweird folk who should have their famous cards revoked, cut up, and put into collections. Did I take that metaphor too far?

-Jessica Biel-- You weren't good in 7th Heaven and I defy anyone to actually name a movie you were in. Also, you have man arms. Zing!

-Eva Longoria- You're not hot. You aren't a good actress. And again, not hot. Did anyone see the last episode of Desperate Housewives where she disguised herself as a teenage boy? A little too convincing! What business does someone who can easily pass as a male child with just a shirt and a hat have at the top of any 'hot' list?! I'm talking to you, Maxim!

-Zac Efron- Aw sweet little Zacquiesha. You didn't think I was going to let you get away, did you? You are a useless waste of screen time. You didn't do your own singing in HSM, your singing in HSM2 was atrosh, and that little mini ponytail has GOT.TO.GO! Lay off the foundation, would ya? Find a marketable skill or talent and maybe you'll get off the list one day. Maybe.

Ugh! Now I'm mad! Now I gotta go listen to "Blackout" while shopping for chandeliers online. Oh Brit!!

Really, J.Lo? Really!?

2007-10-21T19:57:00.000-04:00

Take a good hard look at this folks. This is the face (and body) of a woman who claims she is in no way pregnant. Really!? Jennifer Lopez still refuses to give it up and confirm that she and husband Marc "Skeletor" Anthony are expecting a baby (or babies!). Everyone on the planet has seen a pregnant woman--pregnancy is not really something you can hide from other human beings. This whole situation reminds me of my mom's childhood friend whose older sister had an ever-expanding belly, but her mother told everyone it was a 'tumor.' Nine months later, the tumor came out and was named Tiara. Interesting. Either J.Lo needs to offer some sort of medical explanation for why she's got some a baby-like growth in her abdomen or give it up already!

To be honest, the only reason why people are tolerating J.Lo's less-than-mediocre single 'Do It Well,' and her haggard appearance is because we're expecting a baby out of all of this! Look at that hair! Those chins! That is not the J.Lo we've come to know and tolerate. We're used to Jenny from the block; the Jennifer that rocks the pink diamonds, stilettos, and ripped abs!

Seriously, if homegirl isn't pregnant, then someone needs to get her to the emergency room immediately. I'm no doctor, but I can offer a host of diagnoses; none of which are favorable. Just confirm already! Confirm, confirm, confirm!! And I won't it if your confirmation comes in the form of a newborn wearing a "My Mami Loves Me" onesie. That, J.Lo, will be when you've lost your chance. Halle did it, Nicole did it, and--well, Christina didn't, but that's two out of three, heffa!

Britney Spears: Master of Logic & Reason

2007-10-08T19:57:00.000-04:00

So many things have gone just so terribly wrong in Britney Jean Spears' life, but she always manages to make things more interesting (read: eff them up even more) by making the obvious choice.

First, the court tells Brit Brit that she must stop drinking, drugging, and partying or they'll take away her kids. For Brit, the obvious thing to do in that situation is to continue drinking, drugging, and partying while being filmed by the paps and hitting-and-running on an invalid license. Ding dang, ya'll!

Now, Britney has yet again been admonished to clean up her act, sober up, and stop drinking, drugging, and partying in order to maintain her already-flimsy visitation rights with her children. For Brit, the obvious thing to do in this situation is to continue to bounce around the LA area vamping for the paparazzi and submitting a job application to work as a bartender in a hotel bar!!

Seriously! TMZ is reporting that Brit has applied for a job as a bartender in the 'Cameo Bar' at the Viceroy hotel in Santa Monica. Number one, doesn't homegirl make like a mil a month? WTF does she need a job for? Number two, I wish I would let Britney Spears make me a drink! She'd probably mix me up a nice and lethal Ammonia and Coke with a cute little umbrella in the top. For reals!

Seriously, ya'll, Britney needs help in the worst way. And the bad news is that mama Lynne and baby sis Jamie Lynn Spears have come to town to help Britney in her time of need. All I've seen so far is a "How to Be a Trainwreck Without Really Trying" tutorial taking place for little Jamie Lynn. Someone go get SPF and JJ and do a lil' snip snip before it's too late! As Khia said, something in the milk ain't clean! These people should be banned from reproducing!

LeBron Flops & Bret's Got "Dye-uh-beet-is"

2007-10-01T11:08:00.000-04:00

Let's talk about this weekend in TV. And don't worry, we're SO going to talk about the season finale of "Rock of Love." If you haven't seen it yet, and don't want to know who won- there are **spoilers below**.

First up? The (somewhat tragic) season premiere of Saturday Night Live with host LeBron James. The cast and writers of this episode really stepped it up with some seriously funny sketches and digital shorts, namely the "Iran So Far" digital short, the sketch with Kanye West, and the Kristen Wiig's brilliant "Penelope!" Unfortunately, however, LeBron James brought whatever sketch he was in to a grinding halt the minute he entered the scene. Since when is it okay for hosts to play themselves in FOUR sketches? FOUR!? He sucked. Lorne, never do that again. Ever. Thanks.

Let's get to "Rock of Love." First of all, can someone tell Bret Michaels that 1) the jig is up on the whole hair issue- we know that's a weave and 2) it's diabeTES, not diabetISS!! And Heather has some serious self-perception issues if she thought that bandanna she wore to dinner was a 'sundress,' and don't even get me started on that disaster that was on top her head at elimination.

Heather described her hairstyle as "f**k me hair." What I think she meant to say is "f**ked up" hair because her hair situation was...Special. Heather looked like a skanky 80s big bird, while Jes just looked like a cuter version of Tonks from "Harry Potter." Anyway, Bret ended up asking the girls if they would both be his girlfriend and share him, to which Heather was all "heck yes" and Jes was like "f**k no." In the end Bret picked the 23-year-old Jes over Heather's dried up stripper a%$. Too bad for Heather since she recently had Bret's name tattooed on the back of her neck. Oh well. She can find another 'Bret' to date...Right? Strippers always bounce back.

The World's Tiniest Cries For Help

2007-09-25T15:41:00.000-04:00

Look, it's the cutest little mistakes, aka Sean Preston and Jayden James Federline! And surprise, surprise--these two tiny tots have turned to each other and have banded together against their mama's insanity. The image of these two gripping each other's hands is saddening, but before that it's just straight up hilarious. Can you imagine the dialogue they're having in that back seat right now?

JJ: Uh oh, ya'all!! Mama's driving!?!! Hold me!
SPF: It's gon' be alright JJ-- let's hope she ain't had her ecstasy pops yet! Get to prayin', JJ!! Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far, far away...
JJ: Sean, I gotta pee!

Seriously, when is child protective services going to intervene here? For the billionth time, Britney Jean Spears is not a fit parent? As soon as SPF learns to drive a kiddie jeep, he's strapping JJ in the back and hightailing it out of crazytown! I wouldn't be surprised if these two, Suri Cruise, and MJ's kids Prince, Paris, and Blanket are forming a 'celebrity children of lunatics' underground railroad right at this very minute. It probably makes express stops right to the Brangelina estate-- where all children are welcome. Well, only the cute ones. I bet SPF and JJ dream every night of the Brangelina kids flying in on their angel wings and delivering them from their hell on earth! Save them!!!

Do Mine Eyes Deceive Me?

2007-09-20T22:55:00.000-04:00

Is that not Angelina and Zahara I see? No? Oh! It's Mary Louise Parker and her latest import, African baby #1.

Let's be honest, I was just being complimentary when I made the Angelina comparison. MLP is a hottie, for sure, and a great actress. But she ain't no Angelina. And I'm not even a huge Ange fan these days, but MLP and her TBA-named baby look like a low rent Angelina and Zahara. No matching Valentino bags (although really, who gives a toddler Valentino!?), no oversized shades, and MLP is obvi way too fat to pass for Angelina--where are those veins, homegirl!?

Also, MLP's new baby is still wearing the clothes she came in. Silly, Mary Louise, third world babies aren't ready to wear right off the rack! You have to shine them up with designer duds, mohawks, and crocs first!

Let's hope Brangelina intervenes soon to help Mary Louise Parker step up her adoption game. We know the glamorous adoptive mommy is in there somewhere, MLP, and she's just aching to get out.

NOTE: Who else is hoping that she names the baby an 'S' or bible name to keep up with her fictional kids on 'Weeds'??? I'm pulling for 'Jezebel'!!!

Katherine Heigl = One Classy Broad

2007-09-17T16:23:00.000-04:00

Or not. In my eyes, Katherine Heigl aka "Izzie Stevens" on 'Grey's Anatomy' has just about as much class as any of the remaining "Rock of Love" contestants. Katherine may have looked stunning in her white Zac Posen gown and sleek updo last night at the Emmys, but she completely negated her beautiful appearance by her less-than-gracious behavior during the show.

When the Emmy announcer introduced Katherine as 'Katherine Hi-jul' instead of the proper pronuncation, 'Hi-gle,' Katherine took a moment before presenting the next award to say "It's 'Hi-gle,' by the way. It's a hard one, I know." I fully understand irritation at someone mispronouncing your name, but it wasn't really that serious, and at least she didn't call you by a completely different name. Everyone else in the world knows how to pronounce her name properly, so she really didn't need to call the announcer out in the middle of the telecast.

To make matters worse, Katherine won the Emmy for Best Supporting Actress on a Drama Series, and took potty mouth to a new level as she swore her way through her acceptance speech.

Maybe it's just me, but my mother taught me how to be a lady. And part of being a lady means having a certain level of class, especially when you're accepting a prestigious award in front of your peers, colleagues, and millions of TV viewers. Those moments are not meant for four-letter words. Besides, Katherine, wouldn't you prefer watching the clip of 'the time you won your first Emmy' without the quick cutaway after you visibly mouth "Sh*t!" when they announce your name?

That's what I thought.

It's Britney, Bitch

2007-09-09T23:27:00.000-04:00

Don't call it a comeback. No seriously, don't. Super starlet of yesteryear Britney Jean Spears attempted to kick off the VMAs with a comeback performance of her new single "Gimme More." In the words of Mariah, the performance was less than lackluster. And after seeing the performance, I realize now just how complimentary Mariah was trying to be.

Seriously, Brit took her trainwreck status to a whole new level with the fake blue contacts, sequined bikini, and horridious (yep, I made it up) weave. Throughout the performance, the poor thing has the most vacant expression on her face, like she's trying to count the number of bags of Cheetos she has stashed back in her birkin bag. Homegirl couldn't even lip synch (her forte!) correctly! At one point during the song, she completely stopped 'singing' altogether and let the track do all of the work. And the 'dancing' in the performance consisted of her being helped on and off of a platform. Furthermore, she couldn't even grab a crotch like she meant it. What is the world coming to when even Britney Spears fails to make lewd dancing interesting?

And whatever happened to the so-called mirrors and illusions she and 'colleague' Criss Angel were planning? Guess they got so tied up copulating and such that they forgot to actually do any work.

The best parts of the performance didn't even happen onstage. Those gems came from the blank stares, gaping mouths, and full-on laughter of all of the other performers in the room. Sorry Brit, but no one, and I mean no one wants more of what you're serving up right now.

And as for that whole "It's Britney, bitch" intro, it's not meant to be trendy or edgy; in fact, it's just there to answer all of the people who were caught off guard by this hot mess of a performance and asked "What the EFF is that??"

It's Britney...bitch.

'Mommy, Why Doesn't Gabriella Have Any Clothes On?'

2007-09-06T20:09:00.000-04:00

Isn't this yummy!? After weeks of speculation, nude pictures of wannabe teen queen and "High School Musical 2" star Vanessa Hudgens have finally leaked on the internets. Apparently 'Nessa took the photos as a heterosexual treat for her 'boyfriend'/main gay Zac Efron.

Initially, people thought the pics were the work of a photoshop guru, but Vanessa's reps have issued the following statement to TMZ verifying their authenticity: "This was a photo which was taken privately. It is a personal matter and it is unfortunate that this has become public."

Vanessa may be crying into her never-used 'free bikini wax' certificates, but this isn't an entirely bad situation. In fact, I think her and gayface's 'people' may have done this on purpose.

Why? Because the Zanessa camp may be trying to kill two birds with one stone here. Bird one: proving that Zac Efron isn't gay by showing his desire to see nudie pics of his Disney princess of a girlfriend. Bird two: Vanessa sheds her Disney good girl image by showing off her goodies. A pretty drastic measure, but if I've learned anything this week, publicists and PR machines will show no mercy when it comes to getting what they think is best for their clients. Whatever they were trying to do here, they have to know that Disney is probably pulling out its pink-streaked hair over this one.

Anyone else notice we've seen two naked Filipina Vanessas in the past month? The stars must be aligned or something.

Move Over Suri and Shiloh...

2007-09-04T22:31:00.000-04:00

A new, genetically superior baby is coming to town in about seven months! It's the spawn of uber-hottie Halle Berry! Halle has confirmed that she's 3 months knocked up with her model boyfriend Gabriel Aubry's child. Sorry Shiloh and Suri, but your days as 'cutest babies alive' are numbered. Don't believe me? Check out that hotness of a couple above. Baby daddy Gabriel (I'd hit it. Twice.) is a model and mommy is...well, she's the timeless, hotter-than-hot Halle Berry. What more is there to say?

Not only will Shiloh and Suri's blinding beauty be eclipsed by the Aubry/Berry baby-to-be, but today's MILFs like Cindy Crawford, Rachel Hunter, and Heidi Klum are going to look like Nebraskan soccer moms compared to the soon-to-be "MILF of the Universe" Halle Berry.

I wonder if they have laws for the amount of hotness that can co-exist in one home like they do for pets. If so, I'm sure once the little mocha latte bundle of joy pops out, they'll be breaking all kinds of laws.

This baby is going to be so attractive that I wish I could turn myself into an orphan infant, be adopted by Angelina, and marry the hot piece that's growing in Halle Berry's uterus right now. Too far? I need to go cool off.

Spencer Pratt...What An Angel

2007-08-28T21:42:00.000-04:00

Here you'll find within the best episode of "The Hills" ever, the best clip of the show...ever. In this clip, good old Douchey Mc Doucherson aka Spencer Pratt tries to win over Heidi "Push Me Over" Montag's family at dinner. Obviously, Spence fails on a number of levels; all of which are hilarious. First, his completely contrived "what an angel" as his is-she-or-isn't-she fiance leaves the table is reminiscent of one of those precocious demon children found in "The Exorcist" and "Children of the Corn" movies. Then, if that's not enough, while Heidi's in the ladies', he goes on to do an even more demonic (yet accurate) impersonation of Heidi's former BFF, Lauren 'LC' Conrad. Confused yet? Good.

Also in the clip, you'll hear the second best quote of the night, from Lauren herself: "Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don't want to call that your boyfriend!" Spoken like a true beach-loving fashionista.

I used to keep a special jar of judgment for anyone who watched "The Hills," but now, I see why the seemingly mundane and Sweet Sixteen-ish lives of these California twenty-somethings has captured the hearts of people everywhere. By watching pretty and boring people on TV, your life is instantly given more meaning. Seeing pretty Audrina cry over the fact that her loser boyfriend has left her motorcycle helmet on the couch like he attempted to gray rape her instantly makes me feel like my mini personal and professional breakdowns are completely justified.

The moral of the story: watching "The Hills" will make you laugh and subsequently appreciate your once miserable existence. Get on board.

'High School Musical 2' Is the Music In Me

2007-08-25T06:13:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'm defs a week late on reporting this but, in case you didn't know, High School Musical 2 was kind of a hit. And by kind of, I mean it broke all kinds of ratings and viewership records for TV, most notably the record for 'most make-up worn on teenage guys in a single TV broadcast.'

I'm not Zac Efron's biggest fan (in fact, I hate him), but after a quickie re-watch of HSM2, (I recorded it. Stop judging me.) I realized that homeboy is kind of cute. Don't get me wrong-- his tan: needs to go. His sexuality-- tres questionable. His singing-- eh. But he's got the looks and the over-acting down pat! And he's just so endearing when he completely over-emotes for the camera! Also, where does he get his tan!? I sense a cameo on 'Sunset Tan' coming on, folks..

Also, the songs in that movie are so dang catchy, it's like they rolled little nuggets of crack into the airwaves and got this here grown woman hooked. I hate to make Gabriela and Troy's "The Music In Me" and "Bet On It" rise up the charts any further, but someone, and I'm not saying who, may have just downloaded the entire album off of itunes. Darn you, HSM2 and your compelling yet devoid of any real meaning pop tunes!

HSM2 is great that it's so squeaky clean, there's no way it's going to corrupt or do anything to a child but make them want to sing and dance. In fact, it's so ubiquitous that last week on my way home from work, I was walking up to my apartment in Harlem, and these two 'wannabe thug' looking little boys were kicking and throwing a ball around and I overheard one of them say "Yo man, High School Musical 2 wasn't as good as the first one!" First of all, he's wrong, and second of all, it literally is EVERYWHERE.

Anyway... I'm done indoctrinating you about HSM2...for now. I gotta run. I gotta go save up some money so I can take that little hottie on a proper date. Okay, I don't know where that came from. Oh yes, I do. HSM2.

Someone stop me.

Hollyweird Really IS Just Like High School

2007-08-15T14:09:00.000-04:00

A mean and totally hilarious flyer was posted on the gate of Paris Hilton's house. It features Lindsay Lohan's mugshot from her most recent arrest and says:

“LOST DOG — HAVE YOU SEEN HER?

Age: 3 in dog years
Weight: Anorexic
Eyed: Dilated
Coat: Spotted/Freckled
Breed: Freckle-Bellied Cokewhore Terrier

My dog was last seen on the morning of July 24, 2007 chasing cars in Santa Monica. She will answer to the call of: Lilo, L Squared, Lo Hoe and Dime Bags, 2 for 10 dollars. She was also last seen carrying her favorite boys: a little white bag we call her “doggy bag” ad her favorite black ankle bracelet. Please come home!

MISSING

If you have any information, please call — or go to —

All the change in my couch will be offered for the information leading to the safe return of my dog.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! All this time we thought that Paris' major life change in prison was spirituality or charity or something boring like that. Turns out she just got a huge sense of humor. Granted, this is totally something a disgruntled 9th grader would do to her ex-best friend, but Paris is definitely taking a step in the right direction. As soon as she and Nicole have their next fall out, we'll be seeing a mock Planned Parenthood flyer asking if we've seen her lost fetus with that emaciated picture of Nicole on the beach.

Good times!

Shiloh's Going to End Up On Maury

2007-08-08T12:51:00.000-04:00

Baby/messiah Shiloh Jolie-Pitt used to be the cutest baby on the planet, but in recent photos it's become clear that she's let herself go. Shi Shi has really packed on the pounds and sooner or later she's going to end up as a fat baby guest on the Maury Povich Show.

Seriously, homegirl's head (and everything else) is humongoid. She and Suri Cruise are pretty much the same age (in human years) and already Shiloh appears to be in a completely different weight class. Angie needs to stop playing and call Jenny STAT.

And what's worse is that Angie and Brad seem to think that dressing their only biological child in rags from Goodwill is the way to go. Suri "Beautiful" Cruise wouldn't be caught dead in all denim! Am I right?! Put Shiloh in the sweeping, gauzy, white clothing and halo she deserves!! Do I need to intervene here?

If I Were Britney's Assistant

2007-07-27T00:15:00.000-04:00

After only three weeks, former pop star Britney Spears has pulled the plug on yet another assistant. I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, the clashes between Brit and her staff have a lot more to do with Brit and her dysfunctional lifestyle than the people she hires to keep it under control. After all, she even handed her cousin/BFF Alli Sims the pink slip a few weeks ago.

Since she's now on the market for a new minion, I started thinking about what my life would be like if I were Brit's assistant...

If I were Britney Spears' assistant, my life would be like one big manic-depressive rollercoaster! From taking care of JJ and SPF to warding off calls from K-Fed's attourneys, life would be a whirlwind of trailer trash adventure.

I imagine we'd braid each other's hair (extensions), get bikini waxes, and prance around naked in women's apparel fitting rooms together. We'd chew gum, gossip about boys, and walk around barefoot all day long. While Brit peed with the door open, I'd beg any media outlet to report something positive about my new boss. But alas, the effort would indeed prove to be futile.

According to a source, Britney fired her latest assistant Shannon Funk because “Britney thought she was talking badly about her. She was very rude and Britney felt she was letting business emails fall by the wayside.” I would never talk badly about Britney unless I was certain a hefty paycheck would land in mybank account. I wouldn't be rude unless she was drunk or medicated enough to ensure she wouldn't remember my outburst, and I would always, always handle the one business e-mail she gets per week.

The best part about being Britney Spears' personal assistant would be all of the free pictures I'd get taken of myself. I'd never have to carry a camera! I'd get pictures of myself getting some Starbucks, pumping gas, holding back a major pop star's hair while she pukes, and more!

This is all starting to sound super appealing-- I'm going to be putting in a call to Brit's people tonight. Look for me on Perez!

Lindsay Lohan Mania

2007-07-25T00:13:00.000-04:00

After the events of last night, no self-respecting blogger could avoid the requisite "Lindsay Lohan is out of control" post. So I've decided to split this one into a few parts. It's best for all parties involved. Trust me.

1. The scoop- The degree to which Lindsay Dee Lohan is out of control is unspeakable. Before all of the madness that went down early Tuesday morning, that statement was true. But now... She's seriously lost it! While the details are still slowly coming together, the consensus is that La Lohan was involved in some sort of drug-fueled, drunken car chase involving a former assistant and the assistant's mother. The cops were called, Linds failed a field sobriety test, was arrested, booked, and subsequently charged with bringing an illegal substance (cocaine) into a jail facility.

What's more is that all of this comes just under 3 weeks after Lindsay's 21st birthday and her release from the Promises rehab facility.

2. The Mugshot- Take a look at the photo. Really look at it. Is this not a cry for help? Also, a cry for eye drops, but mostly a cry for serious help. This picture captures Linds' extreme intoxication, but also a moment where she realizes that this isn't a movie, it's not some well-put-together photo shoot--she's totally stripped of her starlet status that protects her from reality. She's being booked for yet another DUI.

3. The Preachy Moral Appraisal-
3a. Why does someone not just go ahead and close Promises??? It clearly has not worked for any of its clients (Britney, anyone?)!! The state should either shut it down or turn it into a nightclub.

3b. Lindsay better have a really, really, really good explanation for why just two weeks out of rehab she thought it would be acceptable to drive drunk, engage in a car chase, do drugs, and drive on a suspended license. Sometimes I think I should start 'turning my life around;' from the way Linds and Paris make it look, it seems like a drunken good time.

3c. Michael and Dina Lohan- WHERE THE EFF ARE YOU!? Quit talking to ET, Extra, and TMZ, and talk to your obviously troubled daughter! And while you're parenting, never let little Ali Lohan record an album again.

Someone send this chick back to rehab. Get well soon, Linds.

Victoria Beckham is 'Major'

2007-07-16T23:21:00.000-04:00

First of all, a big "EFF YOU" to the people who dared downgrade Victoria Beckham's reality series into the one hour special (read: spectacular) because they thought she was 'too boring.' Too boring? I think they were just completely threatened by how entertaining, fabulous, and straight up lovable she is!

Contrary to what the media has dictated, Posh is not sour, unsmiling, and elitist. She's actually sweet, nurturing, down-to-earth, self-deprecating and pretty hilarious. Plus she knows Becks is and always will be the hotter half of that couple.

As a result of "Victoria Beckham: Coming to America" I am on team Posh & Becks for keeps now. I mean, I was always on team Becks, let's be real, but Posh completely won me over. I really hope NBC does something further with the Beckham family. As Victoria would say, they're 'major.'

If you missed the show, definitely make it your business to find out what all of the fuss is about! To see a clip from the show, click here.

Baby Bump Madness

2007-07-13T21:45:00.000-04:00

All of the blogs and gossip publications just love speculate about who is and who isn't sporting a 'baby bump' in Hollywood. So I've decided to get in on the fun. There are quite a few ladies in H'Wood who I just KNOW are going to be announcing pregnancies real soon.

Emma Watson aka Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter movies. Now Emma's only 17 and we have no real proof that she's even 'become a woman' yet, but Emma can't hide that obvious baby bump under that blue button down. I say she's about 8 weeks along.

Ellen Degeneres- Ellen can't fool me with the whole lesbian act. It's all a complete ruse in order to conceal her very obvious baby bump. Ellen's keeping mum on the whole thing, but sources close to Ellen and gal pal Portia de Rossi have let it slip that the estrogen-heavy couple is expecting twins in the fall!

Suri Cruise- If anyone is pregnant, it's definitely Suri. Do you see that obviously oversized and breezy dress she's sporting? And word on the street is that she's laid off the ciggies and alcohol to keep her little one healthy. Sources say Suri's hoping for a girl and just dropped $1500 on pink baby thongs at Bel Bambini in West Hollywood.

Playdate, anyone?

Posh and Becks = Pure Sex

2007-07-10T19:26:00.000-04:00

The hotness that is Posh and Becks are gracing the cover and pages of the latest issue of W magazine. There's really no story here (is there ever?), but they're just plain hot. I already claim dibs on one of their sons-- once that the oldest turns 18, if he's hot, he's mine! So back off.

Anyway, David and VB are gearing up to make the big move to LA-la land, and I can hardly wait. Posh paparazzi pictures and videos are the best. She's kind of a robot and never smiles. Plus she's less than the clinically proven lowest weight to maintain human life. So in a nutshell, she's my idol.

I can't stop staring at David's smoking bod and VB's...uh...skeleton.

Enjoy the photos!

Harry Potter? Try Harry [Insert Gay Euphemism Here]

2007-07-09T22:35:00.000-04:00

Is it just me or does this recent picture of Daniel Radcliffe (also known as Harry Potter) from Details Magazine allude to the fact that this young gent follows in the footsteps of Neil Patrick Harris. If that's not clear enough, I'm implying that Danny and Mark Indelicato have a lot in common.

Get the point?

A leather vest?! That 'come hither' stare?! Harry Potter is very, very gay. And me likey. In the article he denounces dating actresses, but it seems to me he's denouncing women entirely.

Who else wants Harry and Ron to get it on the last HP movie?? I'm thinking "The Deathly Hallows" is when we're finally going to see some wizard on wizard action. Who's with me?!

No one? Whatevs. It's okay, Harry! Go to the light! Go to the light!

To hear more from 'Arry Potter in the newest issue of Details, click here.

Stop the Cheerleader, Save Our Ears

2007-07-06T22:39:00.000-04:00

"Heroes" hottie Hayden (try saying that three times fast) Panettiere has revealed to the world that like the rest of her peers, (LiLo, Paris, Hilary) she wants to up the ante on her fame and release a pop album. This would be great, you know, if she could actually sing. But she can't. Don't take my word for it, see for yourselves. And if that's still not enough to show you that Hayden shouldn't quit her (very lucrative) day job, check her out singing the national anthem here.

It's not that she's completely awful. It's just that she's not good. And I just don't get why no one has told her that a pop career is just not in the cards for her. She should really have a sit down with Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie-Lynn Sigler. They'll tell her it just don't work out for everyone.

For some reason, these Hollywood girls are just never satisfied. Heck, even raspy-voiced ScarJo is recording an album of Tom Waits covers. Who the eff wants to hear that? No one! But as long as she shows a little cleave on the album cover, not too many people are going to complain. And that's just sad. So Scarlett, Hayden, Paris, and company, leave the singing to the pros. You've already proven that you're the prettiest and most scandalous ladies in all the land. Let's just leave it at that.

Anderson Cooper Hates Paris Hilton; I Love Anderson Cooper

2007-06-28T16:09:00.000-04:00

If you didn't catch Larry King's more than boring interview with Paris Hilton last night, you didn't miss much. The whole thing was a too-long leading question and yes/no answer session between the TV King and Hollywood's biggest heirhead. Paris revealed pretty much no salacious details and every answer was so rehearsed you could all but see the wheels turning in her brain as she tried to remember it all.

Also Paris called the strip search "the most humiliating thing of her life." Does she fail to remember that just a few years ago the entire world got an all-access pass into Paris' promised land with her now infamous sex tape? You would think that strip searching in front of one disinterested prison guard would pale in comparison to seeing your face under "One Night In Paris" at your local Blockbuster. But I could be wrong.

Anyway, after last night's interview, the Paris Hilton of TV aka Anderson Cooper was not pleased with the fact that for ratings' sake he had to talk about the heiress post-jail. So in a small protest, the grey-haired hottie took a jab at Paris by saying she should probably stop opening "that lip-glossed mouth of hers." Well done, Anderson. Well done. Check out the video of Anderson's anti-Paris remark on gawker here.

Every Woman in America Hates Felicity

2007-06-22T23:56:00.000-04:00

Keri Russell (aka Felicity) gave birth twelve days ago. Twelve. And she looks like this. I haven't popped out a kid, and I don't even look like that. And homegirl even has the nerve to walk around sipping her beverage, baby strapped over her shoulders, pulling around a laundry cart like motherhood is not hard at all! Where are the tears? Where's the bloat? Where's the post-partum depression? All homegirl has is a Starbucks! This is so not fair!!!

Not only does she look flawless, but she's actually functioning as a productive member of society. And her legs are shaved. She must be eliminated.

Anne Hathaway is Hotness

2007-06-22T23:45:00.000-04:00

There's really no story here except for the fact that little miss Annie Hathaway is smokin' hot in the July issue of Harper's Bazaar. Seriously, homegirl has come a long way from her Princess Diaries days. Ever since "The Devil Wears Prada" she's been stepping up her glamour game. Eff Jessica Alba. She's a too-skinny, self-hating, no-talent ho bag. Also, she stinks.

There comes a time in every blogger's life where they form an inexplicable and unpredictable attachment to a random celebrity. For some, it's Amanda Bynes, Channing Tatum, or Jennifer Garner. For me, the time is now and the celebrity is Anne Hathaway.

Seriously! Look at Anne's face! That is the face of a movie star! And furthermore, it's the face of a movie star who keeps her nips and cooch covered unless it's for a hefty sum and in front of a (legitimate) camera.

So here's to you, Ms. Hathaway. You're the bomb.

"A Mighty [Stab in The] Heart"

2007-06-20T19:15:00.001-04:00

This week, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (aka the hos who do the Oscars) invited 115 members of the filmmaking community to join its ranks and be part of the votes that will decide the winners at next year's ceremony. Among those people were Steve Carell, Jennifer Hudson, Eddie Murphy and Jennifer Aniston.

I'm sure you can already see where this gets pretty interesting. Talk has already begun about Angelina Jolie's hot performance as Mariane Pearl in "A Mighty Heart" which opens this weekend. Is this the Academy's idea of a practical joke? If so, well done!! I'm no expert, but I am guessing that Aniston's vote ain't going to Angelina.

What I want to know is how they prevent catfights and domestic violence from destroying the spirit of the Oscars every year. As incestuous as Hollywood is, you know somebody has smuggled in a razor and tried to cut a ho during one of those meetings. Between Brad, Jen, Ange, & Gwyneth Paltrow- somebody's getting cut next year.

I am already on the edge of my seat to see what will happen. Jen will obvs be there, and you just know Brangelina and all 14 of their kids (I bet money those jokers are going to reach their goal by next year!) are gonna show up on wearing anti-"Friends" t-shirts just to piss Jen off. Then Angie will start cutting herself and finally Brad is going to convince both crazy hos to have a threesome. The end. Brad Pitt wins every time.

Battle of the Babies

2007-06-20T13:11:00.000-04:00

Okay, okay, okay. I know I just said that Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt was the cutest baby on the planet, but that was before I saw all these adorable and new pictures of Suri Cruise with her parents in France! Granted, she's the daughter of an alien and a robot, but is that so wrong? Aliens and robots obvs make the prettiest babies!! I'm torn on this one-- I feel like everything I believe in is a lie. Shiloh once reigned supreme, but Suri is making a move for her crown! Which baby is cuter? You decide!

Genetic Superiority Reaches New Heights With Shiloh Jolie-Pitt

2007-06-18T00:12:00.000-04:00

I defy anyone to say that Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt is not the cutest baby on the planet right now. Seriously, look at her. If there were baby supermodels, and in this case I think there should be, Shiloh would be like the Kate Moss of baby models. Minus the crack, obvs. I mean the kid is so darn cute, I can't control myself.

Homegirl definitely hit the genetic jackpot. Sure, those other kids (Pax, I'm talking about you) can call Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie mum and dad, but Shiloh's the only tot on the planet whose got the genetic makeup of an earth god. Seriously, if we even doubted the ability of two gorgeous superstars to make cute kids, the proof is in those deep blue eyes and pouty lips!!

Seriously, Brangelina needs to have more (biological) kids and fast. They could go into business. Hey, I'd buy one.

Here are some delectable pictures of Angelina (don't get me started on her) with Shiloh and Zahara (who is 12 kinds of cute herself!).

Sorry, Suri, but you've been dethroned.

Happy Birthday To My Favorite Gay

2007-06-15T10:34:00.000-04:00

I pretty much kind of sort of all the way love Neil Patrick Harris. I was too young during his heyday as Doogie Howser, but his star turn as the hilarious Barney on my new favorite show "How I Met Your Mother" has totally won me over. That, and the fact that he does theatre and came out on the cover of People magazine makes him all the more awesome.

Today is Neil's 34th Birthday... So Happy Birthday Neil!!!!

Angelina is a Beautiful Liar

2007-06-14T23:16:00.000-04:00

JJB is reporting that alleged Supermom and generally amazing human being Angelina Jolie gave photographer (paparazzo) James Ambler a lift in her SUV when he got a flat tire en route from the Daily Show studios Thursday night.

Um... Is the press' selective amnesia really that bad?? Just yesterday/this morning the world of entertainment journalism was ripping into Santa Angelina for the outrageous document she was requiring reporters to sign in order to get an interview with her during promotion for her new film, "A Mighty Heart."

Yeah right Angelina let a paparazzo into her car for anything other than a complete butt whooping. Seriously- homegirl is probably the reason he had a flat in the first place. She probably busted the tire with one of the ribs sticking out of her emaciated back.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm becoming pretty disenchanted with Queen Angie pretty fast. She's still hot in the face though.

Bobby Brown Dared Me To Do It

2007-06-14T17:11:00.000-04:00

In the ultimate display of tortured ghetto love, Karrine "Superhead" Steffans aka the OG video vixen, has put rumored beau and crackhead Bobby Brown on blast. For the past year folks have been flapping their gums about how Bobby B has been shacking up with Karrine at her crib because he is literally broke and homeless.

Apparently, Karrine just now realized that Bobby is a loser and she's "over his sh**." So over it, in fact, that she took her video diary up a notch and showed her fans (she has fans!?) what life is like with Bobby B. The video features a snoring and very crack-ish Bobby B passed out on her couch! Priceless! Click here to see all your wildest dreams realized in the "B.O.B." video!!

Haircut With A Complimentary Brainwashing

2007-06-13T23:15:00.001-04:00

~~Robot~~ Katie Holmes debuted her new half soccer mom half Posh Beckham haircut this week. I guess she's reached step #1457 of Scientology where they cut off your hair, make you stand naked in a pool of blood, and accept a new Alien identity. That, or she's trying to be twinsies with her baby daughter, Suri.

Either way, this new coif demonstrates that Katie has lost all ability to think on her own. Next time we see her she'll be sporting hot pants while shaking a rattle. Homegirl has lost her mind.

Thugs Don't Wear Uggs

2007-06-13T23:10:00.000-04:00

Woah, woah, woah, Timbaland. What are you wearing, my friend? Let me talk to you, my love.. This look we've got going on here is.not.it. Where do I even start? Do I start with the extra 30 pounds you've put on by enjoying midnight snacks in the studio? Or do I start with the sweats-in-the-middle-of-the-day-outside-when-I'm-rich issue? Or do we address the Uggs?

I think we begin and end with the Uggs. Because frankly, the rest of the outfit is almost forgivable when paired with a less bougie and more masculine shoe choice. Don't let this happen again. They take Thug cards for this, Tim. Watch your back.

This May Not Be Such A Bad Thing

2007-06-12T00:47:00.001-04:00

Some peeps are saying that Britney Spears and ex-husband Kevin Federline may be rekindling their romance. Brit and K-Fed have been spending more and more time together lately. When K-Fed drops the kids off at Brit's casa, he stays for a long time and he sometimes stays the night. The ink is barely dry on their recent divorce, but no one ever accused Britney and K-Fed of being practical.

According to B. Money's friends, "When she was on vacation she was in the best mood she's been in for ages...She confessed it was because she and Kevin are slowly moving towards getting back together."

For some, this may be alarming. But to me, it both makes perfect sense and could be pretty good for Brit Brit. For one, Justin Timberlake is never going to consider dating this ho again, so that's out. Also, it's not completely out of line to think that maybe K-Fed was the one holding Brit together all this time. I mean, as soon as he flew the coop, Brit was all head shave-y and crackish. Maybe if they get back together, she'll start showering and getting her hair done professionally again. That, and maybe they'll have more slightly down syndrome-y babies for us to ogle. Okay, that was mean...But I only have so much nice in me.

Sidebar: if they would please do a collaborative remix of Popozao, I would be forever grateful. Do it for the fans!

I Guess 'Stars Are Blind' Is Hot in the Hood

2007-06-10T21:21:00.000-04:00

Paris Hilton is back in jail, blah, blah, blah. Frankly, I'm Paris-ed out. Until tomorrow, that is. Anyway, I found this picture of a few of Paris' fans holding vigil outside of her facility. Needless to say, I find it to be particularly amusing and disturbing.

This is what Paris Hilton's fans look like? For realsies? These ladies look more like they only want her out of jail ASAP so they can eat her. Woops. I guess homegirl really does have a wide fan base. I respect that.

Dr. Burke is "Mad As Hell"

2007-06-08T11:30:00.000-04:00

Say it ain't so! Isaiah Washington aka Dr. Burke will not be returning to Grey's Anatomy. I'm offended! Granted, he made some serious mistakes with the whole homophobia thing, but I really didn't think ABC and the show's producers would take it this far.

According to multiple sources, ABC didn't renew his contract with the show. The best part about all this is Isaiah's statement: "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore." Nice to see that Washington still has a sense of humor.

I would threaten to boycott Grey's Anatomy next season, but we all know I won't do it. I'll just settle for wearing black for the next three months in mourning of the relationship that was Burke and Cristina. *sigh*

Take the Gayest Thing You Can Think Of

2007-06-07T15:11:00.001-04:00

And then go even gayer. Then you'll have this picture. Jesse Metcalfe recently split from his 'girlfriend' (read: beard), Girls Aloud singer Nadine Coyle. And now he's been spotted getting his tan on with a mystery guy. And they're both shirtless. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but there are some pretty gay things happening in this photo. And I love it! First of all, there is some sort of lettuce-y, sushi-y, unmasculine meal being consumed. And furthermore, why does it look like these two have pushed their beach chairs together like two kids after lights-out at camp!! I'm just saying!!

Come on out, Jesse. We're waiting for ya!

Creepiest.Thing.Ever.

2007-06-06T15:44:00.001-04:00

Ever have a dream that a creepy robot baby killed you in your sleep? Well, me neither, but that dream is about to come true with this: the creepiest invention ever. I like to call it "Scary Murderous Robot Baby" but I think they have another name for it.

Now my Japanese is a little rusty, but I think the translation of this news report goes as follows: "Dear World: Run for your lives. It won't do much good, but run. This scary murderous robot baby will hunt you down and kill you. And after that, your children too. Sorry we created a monster. Love, Japan."

Literally, you can see the thoughts of homicide in this robot baby's eyes. Who thought this was a good idea? Kill it!

Classic Serena Williams... A Must See!

2007-06-05T15:00:00.000-04:00

Serena williams fait son show!
Uploaded by sportvideos

The more I see things like this, the more I realize that Serena Williams is someone I'd like to know. Homegirl doesn't take herself too seriously and she loves to dance. I mean, not many celebrities would shake their junk in sweats for what appears to be some low budget French public access show.

The lesson of this post: Meet Serena Williams in the club... It's going down.

Akon is a Gentleman

2007-06-04T16:31:00.000-04:00

Okay first Akon fake rapes an underage girl onstage, then he 'apologizes,' and now this?! After a 'fan' threw something at Akon at a recent concert, Akon lost his head, called the fan onstage, and literally threw the kid into the audience. Akon, get it together, please!

As far as Akon is concerned, I don't even really know why he's famous. He's not hot, his voice is weird, and he's not hot. Okay, I already said that, but he isn't! Not hotness is a definite no-no when it comes to pop music. If I were a fourteen year old ho who lied to my parents about where I was going, I would be pretty pissed if some not hot old guy humped me all across the stage. I would also be pretty pissed if I were a way too skinny young guy who just wanted to show my appreciation for Akon's not hotness by throwing food at him onstage.

Bottom line: Someone needs to tell Akon to stop bringing people up on stage. Period. It gets him into trouble.

Take it back, NBC, take it back!

2007-06-03T11:06:00.000-04:00

Come on, folks! Studio 60 is not that bad of a show! In fact, it's a great show. Could it be true that absence makes the heart grow fonder? I admit that my love and devotion to Studio 60 waned a bit during the slump towards the middle of the season, but that doesn't mean I stopped watching it. I really think someone at the networks and Nielsen needs to reconsider the whole "we don't count if people watch it on DVR more than 24 hours later." I feel like that rule was the kiss of death for one of my favorite shows to come around in a long time.

There are a number of reasons why Studio 60 is totally underrated. The writing is AMAZING-- why are people missing that? Aaron Sorkin may be totally coked out and socially awkward, but homeboy knows how to write a show. Also, Matthew Perry is awesome. I don't know why I love him, I just do. The show is really interesting, realistic, funny, and engaging. Why the ratings didn't indicate that, I don't know.

Anyway.. NBC, I implore you. Take it back. Pretend you never said Studio 60 was cancelled and I'll totes forgive you. Please.

they tried to make linds go to rehab...

2007-05-28T23:59:00.000-04:00

she said no, no, no. seriously, can we petition for amy winehouse's 'rehab' to be the official anthem of 2007?

after her pretty much legendary dui arrest and cocaine bust, lindsay cokehan is rumored to be hitting up britney's former rehab, promises in malibu. earlier this year she completed a 30-day outpatient program at the Wonderland facility in LA. for some reason, i don't think this stint in the 'hab is going to do linds any good, but i'm definitely ready to see her try.

enjoy these awesome pics of cokehan passed out in rumored ex-girlfriend samantha ronson's car after a night of post-dui/pre-memorial day partying early this morning. my personal fave is linds being dragged off of the pavement. classic.

miss usa falls, universe laughs

2007-05-28T23:51:00.000-04:00

Miss USA Falls
Uploaded by TheDlisted

when i realized that i was going to lose two hours of my life to this year's miss universe pageant, i thought i would immediately regret it.

thankfully, rachel smith (miss usa and fifth place loser) made every excruciating minute of watching vanessa minnillo's poor hosting skills worth it about halfway through the show. homegirl fell during the evening wear portion. and boy, was it legendary. don't believe me? see for yourself.

thank you, rachel smith, for the most amazing laugh i have had in months.

Lindsay Lohan hits the curb...literally

2007-05-26T20:25:00.001-04:00

The inevitable has happened, folks. I'll give it to you in three words:
lindsay. busted. dui.

Need I say more? Lindsay Lohan (along with 2 passengers) sustained minor injuries last night when miss lohan herself crashed into a curb (and subsequently hit a tree). She obvs had a few drinks then took her friends for a joyride in her Mercedes. The police said that "she was cited and released because she had been admitted to the hospital for minor injuries." Apparently she'll have to appear in court next month. I can't wait to see how that goes- under 21 and DUI? That can't be good. Let's see how Lindsay, White Oprah and co. get her out of this one.

What's more, officials said at a press conference that since they found illegal narcotics in L.Lo's car, she may get slapped with some nice felony charges too.

We love you Linds, but we kinda saw this one coming. Eve, Busta, Paris, and Nicole would like to welcome you to the DUI club. Oh, and happy 21st, Cokehan!!!

Rosie is Outtie

2007-05-25T19:07:00.000-04:00

It sort of saddens me that Rosie let the Elisabitch run her off of 'The View' like that. It's official-- Rosie's ending her run on the show three weeks early, no doubt a result of the blowout that was the fight between she and her co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Both Ro and ABC issued statements:
ABC: "We had hoped that Rosie would be with us until the end of her contract three weeks from now, but Rosie has informed us that she would like an early leave. Therefore, we part ways, thank her for her tremendous contribution to 'The View' and wish her well."

Ro: "I'm extremely grateful. It's been an amazing year and I love all three women."

Yeah right. Rosie loves Elisabeth so much she's going to kidnap her first-born and sell it to Angelina Jolie for some dexatrim.

the feud continues

2007-05-24T16:13:00.001-04:00

of course, the donald has decided to chime in on the whole disaster that is rosie vs. elisabeth hasselbeck. this time, the donald has come to the defense of his nemesis, rosie! he says: "On this one I think Rosie should win. I think anybody that's against the war in Iraq is the winner of the fight, because to justify the war in Iraq - only an imbecile could do that." this doesn't mean that donald and rosie are going to be spending memorial day weekend together cooking out in the hamptons, but it does look like the war between the two moguls is truly over.

for my sake though, i hope this ro vs. elisabeth thing lasts for a long, long time.

girl fight

2007-05-23T17:02:00.000-04:00

Rosie and Hasselcrack Fight!
Uploaded by TheDlisted

i've been feeling a bit under the weather today... wait, what i meant to say is that i feel like the weather has beaten me severely with a blunt object. regardless, i'm sick, so posts have been nonexistent. howevs, i couldn't let the day pass without posting the best rosie vs. elisabeth fight in 'the view' history. both ro and elisabeth get all riled up. i love seeing elisabeth get angry, republican-style. the ignorance just makes me laugh and laugh. enjoy!

why i love victoria beckham

2007-05-22T22:16:00.000-04:00

something about posh spice has always captivated me. even back during her days as a spice girl, she always seemed somehow better than the rest of those hos. and look at her now! the superstar wife of the hottest athlete alive! well done, vix, well done.

these days, posh is a paparazzi magnet-- and reason 1090980984 why we love posh? because even though homegirl hasn't cracked a smile since 1998, she still has a sense of humor. earlier this week she pulled a fast one on the paps by sending a blow up doll posh around in her SUV. granted, the blow up doll probs weighs 2x more than the real posh, but it was still funny.

oh, and sidebar-- who wants to bet that even blow-up posh's outfit costs more than my entire month's rent!?

a cry for help

2007-05-22T16:42:00.000-04:00

look how adorable suri cruise is!!!! imagine how much cuter she would look if she weren't wearing such a 'help me, my dad is an alien' face! poor little thing-- she's way too young to be so well acquainted with the term 'prisoner.'

he does like the crazy, doesn't he?

2007-05-22T14:18:00.001-04:00

rumor has it that kinda loopy andre 3000 is now dating shay 'buckeey' johnson from the flavor of love 2 and charm school. i would like to say that this surprises me in some way, but it doesn't. let's look at the evidence.

exhibit A- we were first introduced to buckeey through the flavor of love 2. why was she there? to win a date with flavor flav. andre 3000 won't be winning any beauty contests, but we can agree that he's a step up.

exhibit B- one of andre's more significant relationships was with songstress-slash-psycho erykah badu. she's credited with funking up andre so bad that he started wearing ponchos and moccasins around all the time. they also have a child named...wait for it...'seven.'

so if you look at the track record here, this relationship is definitely unwelcome, but not so out of the blue.

how to heal a broken nose

2007-05-22T11:27:00.000-04:00

american idol's loopiest judge, paula abdul did her first post-broken nose interview and appeared to be very high on 'life.' homegirl is such a drunk! let the drunk out, paula, we will still love you! check out the clip as miss p tries to explain what happened, slurred speech and all.

even though i was hoping she would be sporting some sort of nose-correcting contraption for the idol finale, the fact that she'll be even more hyped up on meds for the next two nights will be a sweet consolation prize.

never been drunk, eh?

2007-05-21T17:22:00.000-04:00

this just in! extra is reporting that this past weekend paula 'never been drunk' abdul 'tripped' trying to avoid stepping on her doggie and broke her nose! i gotta see those pics.

maybe next time he'll think before he...

2007-05-21T16:15:00.000-04:00

dates a chipmunk... woops.. anyway, mr. john 'don't call me a pop artist' mayer is hitting the stand-up comedy circuit now, apparently. thank god for youtube-- this is definitely something you gotta see! i was prepared for horrendous, but instead what i got was a surprisingly not so bad. who knew john mayer could tell a joke!?

oh, and it also confirms that he and bucktooth mcgee did, in fact, break up.

brangelina is still hot

2007-05-21T15:24:00.000-04:00

brad and angie hit the cannes film festival in a big way this week. momma and poppa jolie-pitt hit the red carpet sans the kiddies for a series of promotional events for their new film, 'a mighty heart.' the film stars angie and bradley is one of the producers or some ish.

they may have a bajillion kids, but their appearance on the carpet proves they are still the hotness. boring, maybe, but still hot.

for more brangelina coverage, just click here.

bye, bye, lakiki

2007-05-09T23:21:00.000-04:00

miss lakisha went and got herself kicked off of american idol tonight. let's have a moment of silence.

ok, now that that's done. to be honest, lakiki had it coming. she had a good run, but when it comes down to a battle between talent and race, race always wins! ya'all knew idol wasn't going to let the final three go down without a white boy!

but don't fret, lakiki, after the AI tour, we'll be seeing you in 'the color purple' as sofia, won't we?

as far as the top three goes, i'm not surprised. for the majority of the competition i've been saying that jordin sparks was flying under the radar and going to make a sneak attack come the finals, and she's definitely making her mark on the game at this point.

the highlight of tonight's results show was definitely the little "learn about their childhood" montage they had on the final four. blake, lakisha, and melinda all talked about being only children with single or divorced parents, and then here comes jordin talking about some "my family is just sooo normal. like i have a mom and a dad and a brother." she might as well have said "not only am i fair skinned with gorgeous teeth, i'm the child of a professional athlete that grew up in a nurturing and loving home. oh, and my musical talent didn't come from anyone. i'm just that awesome."

i loooove it when jordin shows her 17-year-old side and puts her foot in her mouth!

fight the idol

2007-05-09T18:09:00.000-04:00

tamyra gray and anthony federov (who?) are the latest american idol hos to hop on the broadway train, and i think i've had enough. i've got nothing against any of these kids, but american idol is turning into a broadway feeding pool. isn't that was 'grease: you're the one that i want' was for?

goodness! if idol goes on for one more season, they'll officially have enough idol alums to cast every show on broadway, national tour, west end, and tokyo! what is a starving new york artist to do?

listen, broadway producers, i know it's hard... but you gotta fight the idol. not every idol reject is the next jennifer hudson. jennifer hudson isn't even the next jennifer hudson? am i right? fight the idol, hire people who actually want to be on broadway as opposed to reality show losers who don't have any alternative. your theatregoers and theatre actors will thank you.

the best 'job' ever!

2007-05-08T12:03:00.000-04:00

My roommate came across this oh-so-wonderful ad on craigslist. Everyone here in NYC is always looking for something better. That better job, boyfriend, gig, pair of sunglasses, etc. Fortunately, these folks are here to help you reach your goals in life. One 'bodyrub' at a time. Take a look-see! Check out the commentary below.

***********

Let’s face it: it’s hard to live in New York City. Even cheap chic is expensive. And we all know that most jobs that pay well tend to destroy any chance you have at nurturing the inner-artist that convinced you to move to NY in the first place. Yes, you might do the corporate thing, but it leaves you restless; or the bar/restaurant thing, but it leaves you exhausted. Whatever your story, if you have a lust for life, a keen awareness of human nature then joining a sensual massage team might be the best thing you could ever do for yourself. Oh yeah, and you'll make a ton of money.

And money makes the world go ‘round. Unfortunately, that’s not just something they say; it’s a cold reality. Aren’t you sick of lying awake at night because you don’t know how your student loans going to get paid? Of course, bodywork is a service industry, and like any job in service, it has its ups and downs. Fortunately our ups are very profitable. Most of us average seven hundred dollars a week (2-3 shifts), but sometimes we make more in a day. You might be asking yourself ‘how could I do that?’

Nestled on a discreet street in Midtown there is a place where rich men go. Very Rich Men. They aren’t looking for sex; they’re looking to escape. We provide them with skilled bodywork, sensual fun and total rejuvenation. Nothing empowers the powerful like having a sassy beauty devote her all of her attention to him for an hour, or two. Our clients return week after week, year after year, because they know they can depend on our hands and minds to keep them stimulated and satisfied.

Our date books have room for us to schedule a night at the opera or a Clap Your Hands Say Yeah concert while our days are spent at our favorite museum or in our studios. We can treat ourselves to the best restaurants while still paying for dance classes. Our vacations can last for weeks and our spare-time is spent productively, since our stress-levels are low. Yes, We even save money.

If you’re pretty AND smart then you too can get paid for that attention—without sleeping with anyone. Bodyrub does not mean sex and it does not mean blowjobs. It does, however, mean being quick on your feet and being able to discuss a broad range of subjects (like we said, you have to be smart). It also means taking a sensual exploration that can delve into the naughty side of life. Think you can go there? You might be ready to take your life back without compromising your safety to do it.

You might be telling yourself ‘No way! It can’t be that easy.’ Well, you’re right; it’s not. We work hard for it, honey. Still, it is mostly fun (what job is fun every minute of every day?) and always an experience.

Most of us agree, we’ve learned more about life and human nature being between these walls then anywhere else. We also agree, you have to love and appreciate what you’re doing in order to do it well. Are you one of the special ones?

Yes? Then please send us an E-mail telling us why you think we should consider you for the job. Ladies who include photos will receive priority consideration.

***************

First, let me say that I am definitely not "one of the special ones" who "thinks I can go there." What in the name of God is 'bodywork'!?!? And to whoever wrote this- 700 dollars a week is NOT THAT MUCH MONEY IN NEW YORK CITY!!!! And if I'm going to be working for pennies like that, I will be DAMNED if I'm going to earn it by using my "hands and mind" to keep some strang man "stimulated and satisfied"!!!!! This is going to keep me laughing for a long, long time!

men have vaginas?!?!?!?!?!!?

2007-01-31T20:33:00.000-05:00

this picture (snagged from ybf.blogspot.com) is the first public photo of diddy's new twin girls, d'lila star and jesse james. congratulations to diddy and kim. unfortunately (for diddy, the photographer, and hello! magazine) i have a bone to pick with this photo.

does anyone else notice the way that diddy has been made the focus (read: mommy) of this picture?! he his holding the two girls and kim is nearly cropped out of the shot. kim (the MOMMY) looks like an innocent bystander who just happened to be looking on lovingly as diddy did his thing with his feet in stirrups. i am sorry, but the feminist in me won't let this go.

i understand that diddy is the reason we're all interested in this to begin with, but let's please just give some credit to the woman who pushed two watermelons out of her vajayjay!! (i don't know if she had a c-section, which could be possible, but still- those kids came out of a hole in HER body, not his.) i am even more inflamed because the photo looks like it was taken in a HOSPITAL BED!! it looks like diddy is post-labor and the doctor has just handed him his babies. does anyone else notice this!?!?!?

if i am wrong, and diddy did, in fact, push these babies out of his man-gina, then someone correct me.

please.dear readers, please, please, please take a closer look at this. it ain't right. it just ain't right. i mean, she can't even hold ONE of the babies??? NOT EVEN ONE!?!?!?!?!?!?!

have a great day.

lauren

numero uno

2006-12-31T00:34:00.001-05:00

this isn't going to be complicated. i'm a blog-aholic. i have written musings on myspace, xanga, and facebook. it's graduation time, and now i'm making the transition in the adult world of blogger. holla if you hear me.